26.1 欲死 ê 人, 那著自殺

Tē 26 Chiong

26.1 Boeh-sí ê lâng, ná tio̍h chū-sat

Miā-ūn hí-lāng ê hit-àm, lí kap góa lóng chai-iáⁿ; m̄-koh lí m̄-chai, mā ioh bē-tio̍h, chū lán hun-khui, góa só͘ siū-tio̍h ê thòng-khó͘.

Góa thiaⁿ-kóng, lín lāu-pē chhōa lí lī-khui, m̄-koh góa khak-tēng, lí bô hoat-tō͘ kú-kú lī-khui góa seng-oa̍h, hit-kang tī Champs-Elysees tōa-ke tú tio̍h lí, góa chiok kek-tōng, m̄-koh góa pēng bô kám-kak ì-gōa.

Chū án-ne, khai-sí liáu hit kōaⁿ ji̍t-chí; ta̍k kang lí lóng chhōe khang-phāng lâi bú-jio̍k góa. Góa iōng hoaⁿ-hí sim chiap-la̍p in, in-ūi, m̄-nā in chèng-bêng lí iáu ài góa, góa mā kám-kak, lí lú chiat-bôa góa, chai-iáⁿ si̍t-chêng liáu-āu, lí ê ba̍k-chiu lāi ê góa tō ē lú ko-sióng.

M̄-bián kî-koài góa chit-chióng kam-goān hi-seng ê cheng-sîn, Armand; lí tùi góa ê ài, í-keng phah-khui góa ǹg-bāng sèng-kiat jia̍t-chêng ê sim.

M̄-koh, góa iáu-sī bô-kàu hiah-nī kian-kiông.

Tī ūi lí hi-seng kàu lí tńg-lâi, ū chi̍t tōaⁿ bē té ê sî-kan, tī hit tiong-kan góa tio̍h óa-khò jio̍k-thé ê bâ-chùi, í-bián khí-siáu, góa ka-tī thiàu-ji̍p hit-chióng seng-oa̍h ê kńg-lê-á chn̄g, lâi am-khàm ní-bo̍k. Che Prudence í-keng kā lí kóng ah, kám bô? Góa chham-ka só͘-ū ê iàn-hōe, bú-hōe, kap àm-hōe. Góa ū chi̍t ê hi-bāng, siūⁿ boeh lī-iōng jio̍k-thé ê thàu-chi thang-hó kín-kín sí-khì, góa mā siong-sìn, chit ê hi-bāng chin kín tō ē si̍t-hiān. Án-ne, góa ê sin-thé chū-jiân lú lâi lú bái, tán-kàu góa chhiáⁿ Duvernoy Hj khì kā lí kiû-chêng ê sî, góa ê jio̍k-thé kap lêng-hûn lóng í-keng hi-lè-lè ah.

Góa bô boeh koh kā lí thê-khí, Armand, tī góa chòe-āu hiòng lí piáu-bêng góa ài lí, lí sī án-chóaⁿ hôe-pò, kap lí sī án-chóaⁿ siū-khì kā chi̍t ê boeh-sí ê cha-bó͘ kóaⁿ lī-khui Paris, hit ê cha-bó͘ tī lí iau-kiû chi̍t-àm ê ài-chêng bô hoat-tō͘ kī-choa̍t lí, i tō ná gōng-lâng, siūⁿ-kóng án-ne ê ài ē-tàng iân-sio̍k kòe-khì ê ài-chêng. Lí ū khoân-lī chò lí só͘ chò ê tāi-chì, Armand; m̄-koh kap góa kòe-mê ê kè-chîⁿ it-poaⁿ sī bô hiah-nī koân!

Góa hòng-khì liáu it-chhè. Olympe í-keng tāi-thè góa tī N pek-chiok ê tē-ūi, thiaⁿ-kóng i mā í-keng kā kóng liáu góa lī-khui i ê goân-in. G pek-chiok tī London. I chit-chióng lâng tùi góa chit-chióng cha-bó͘ ê ài-chêng chí-sī tòng-chò chi̍t-chióng hó-sńg ê siau-khián, in-ūi án-ne, in chóng-sī ē-tàng hām kau-pôe kòe ê cha-bó͘ kè-sio̍k chò pêng-iú, bē oàn-chheh in, mā bē kap in chia̍h-chhò͘, só͘-í kóng, i sī chi̍t ê tōa á-sià, i ê sim-nih kan-ta chi̍t ê khang-khiah khǹg goán, m̄-koh i khai-chîⁿ chin pháⁿ-chhiú. Chū án-ne, góa chi̍t-ē tō siūⁿ-tio̍h i. Góa lâi London chhōe i. I chin chhin-chhiat chiap-thāi góa, m̄-koh tī chia i ka-tī ū chi̍t ê chêng-hū, he sī siōng-liû siā-hōe ê cha-bó͘, i koh kiaⁿ hō͘ lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h kap góa chò-hóe. I kā góa siāu-kài hō͘ in pêng-iú, in tō chhiáⁿ góa chia̍h siau-iā, chia̍h-pá ū chi̍t ê tō chhōa góa tńg in tau.

Nā bô, góa boeh án-chóaⁿ, góa ê pêng-iú? Góa nā chū-sat, che tō khó-lêng hō͘ lí pún-kai khoài-khoài lo̍k-lo̍k ê jîn-seng ū hū-tam, ū bô pit-iàu ê ûi-hām; koh-kóng, í-keng tit-boeh sí ê lâng, ná tio̍h koh khì chū-sat neh?

Chū án-ne, góa piàn-chò ū thé bô hûn, sī bô su-sióng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ; án-ne góa kòe chi̍t tōaⁿ ji̍t-chí; āu-lâi, góa koh tńg-lâi Paris, thàm-thiaⁿ lí ê siau-sit; góa thiaⁿ-kóng, lí chhut-gōa khì lí-hêng. Góa ê seng-oa̍h bô siáⁿ-mih thang óa-khò, tō koh hôe-ho̍k kàu nn̄g nî chêng lán sio-bat í-chêng kāng-khoán ê seng-oa̍h. Góa siūⁿ boeh chhōe kong-chiok tńg-lâi, m̄-koh góa í-keng hō͘ i siuⁿ siong-sim. Lāu-lâng chóng-sī bô nāi-sim, in chai lâng bē tiông-seng-put-ló. Góa lú lâi lú hi-jio̍k, lú lâi lú siong-sim, lú sán. Bé ài ê cha-po͘ lóng seng khòaⁿ hòe-sek. Paris ū pí góa khah kiān-khong, pí góa khah hong-boán ê cha-bó͘; Ta̍k-ê bān-bān kā góa pàng bē-kì. Góa ê kīn-lâi tō sī án-ne.

 Taⁿ, góa pēⁿ kah chin tāng. Góa siá-phe kā kong-chiok chhun-chhiú ài chîⁿ, in-ūi góa bô-chîⁿ ah lah, chè-chú lóng tńg-lâi ah, chah siàu-toaⁿ, bô-chêng lâi thó-siàu. Kong-chiok m̄-chai ē hôe-phe bô? Sī án-chóaⁿ lí bô tī Paris, Armand? Lí nā tī lih, lí tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē lâi khòaⁿ góa lah, lí lâi sī góa siōng hó ê an-ùi.

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第 26 章

26.1 欲死 ê 人, 那著自殺

命運戲弄 ê 彼暗, 你 kap 我攏知影; 毋過你毋知, mā 臆袂著, 自咱分開, 我所受著 ê 痛苦.

我聽講, 恁老爸 chhōa 你離開, 毋過我確定, 你無法度久久離開我生活, 彼工 tī Champs-Elysees 大街拄著你, 我足激動, 毋過我並無感覺意外.

自 án-ne, 開始了彼捾日子; 逐工你攏揣空縫來侮辱我. 我用歡喜心接納 in, 因為, 毋但 in 證明你猶愛我, 我 mā 感覺, 你愈折磨我, 知影實情了後, 你 ê 目睭內 ê 我 tō 會愈高尚.

毋免奇怪我這種甘願犧牲 ê 精神, Armand; 你對我 ê 愛, 已經拍開我向望聖潔熱情 ê 心.

毋過, 我猶是無夠 hiah-nī 堅強.

Tī 為你犧牲到你轉來, 有一段袂短 ê 時間, tī 彼中間我著倚靠肉體 ê 麻醉, 以免起痟, 我家己跳入彼種生活 ê 捲螺仔旋, 來掩崁耳目. 這 Prudence 已經 kā 你講 ah, 敢無? 我參加所有 ê 宴會, 舞會, kap 暗會. 我有一个希望, 想欲利用肉體 ê 透支通好緊緊死去, 我 mā 相信, 這个希望真緊 tō 會實現. Án-ne, 我 ê 身體自然愈來愈䆀, 等到我請 Duvernoy Hj 去 kā 你求情 ê 時, 我 ê 肉體 kap 靈魂攏已經虛 lè-lè ah.

我無欲 koh kā 你提起, Armand, tī 我最後向你表明我愛你, 你是按怎回報, kap 你是按怎受氣 kā 一个欲死 ê 查某趕離開 Paris, 彼个查某 tī 你要求一暗 ê 愛情無法度拒絕你, 伊 ná 戇人, 想講 án-ne ê 愛會當延續過去 ê 愛情. 你有權利做你所做 ê 代誌, Armand; 毋過 kap 我過暝 ê 價錢一般是無 hiah-nī 懸!

我放棄了一切. Olympe 已經代替我 tī N 伯爵 ê 地位, 聽講伊 mā 已經 kā 講了我離開伊 ê 原因. G 伯爵 tī London. 伊這種人對我這種查某 ê 愛情只是當做一種好耍 ê 消遣, 因為 án-ne, in 總是會當和交陪過 ê 查某繼續做朋友, 袂怨慼 in, mā 袂 kap in 食醋, 所以講, 伊是一个大阿舍, 伊 ê 心 nih 干焦一个空隙囥阮, 毋過伊開錢真 phàⁿ 手. 自 án-ne, 我一下 tō 想著伊. 我來 London 揣伊. 伊真親切接待我, 毋過 tī 遮伊家己有一个情婦, 彼是上流社會 ê 查某, 伊 koh 驚予人看著 kap 我做伙. 伊 kā 我紹介予 in 朋友, in tō 請我食宵夜, 食飽有一个 tō chhōa 我轉 in 兜.

Nā 無, 我欲按怎, 我 ê 朋友? 我 nā 自殺, 這 tō 可能予你本該快快樂樂 ê 人生有負擔, 有無必要 ê 遺憾; 閣講, 已經得欲死 ê 人, 那著 koh 去自殺 neh?

自 án-ne, 我變做有體無魂, 是無思想 ê 物件; án-ne 我過一段日子; 後來, 我 koh 轉來 Paris, 探聽你 ê 消息; 我聽講, 你出外去旅行. 我 ê 生活無啥物通倚靠, tō koh 回復到兩年前咱相捌以前仝款 ê 生活. 我想欲揣公爵轉來, 毋過我已經予伊 siuⁿ 傷心. 老人總是無耐心, in 知人袂長生不老. 我愈來愈虛弱, 愈來愈傷心, 愈瘦. 買愛 ê 查埔攏先看貨色. Paris 有比我較健康, 比我較豐滿 ê 查某; 逐个慢慢 kā 我放袂記. 我 ê 近來 tō 是 án-ne.

今, 我病甲真重. 我寫批 kā 公爵伸手愛錢, 因為我無錢 ah lah, 債主攏轉來 ah, 扎數單, 無情來討數. 公爵毋知會回批無? 是按怎你無 tī Paris, Armand? 你 nā tī lih, 你定著會來看我 lah, 你來是我上好 ê 安慰.

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Chapter 26 

26.1

What followed that fatal night you know as well as I; but what you can not know, what you can not suspect, is what I have suffered since our separation. 

I heard that your father had taken you away with him, but I felt sure that you could not live away from me for long, and when I met you in the Champs-Elysees, I was a little upset, but by no means surprised. 

Then began that series of days; each of them brought me a fresh insult from you. I received them all with a kind of joy, for, besides proving to me that you still loved me, it seemed to me as if the more you persecuted me the more I should be raised in your eyes when you came to know the truth. 

Do not wonder at my joy in martyrdom, Armand; your love for me had opened my heart to noble enthusiasm. 

Still, I was not so strong as that quite at once. 

Between the time of the sacrifice made for you and the time of your return a long while elapsed, during which I was obliged to have recourse to physical means in order not to go mad, and in order to be blinded and deafened in the whirl of life into which I flung myself. Prudence has told you (has she not?) how I went to all the fetes and balls and orgies. I had a sort of hope that I should kill myself by all these excesses, and I think it will not be long before this hope is realized. My health naturally got worse and worse, and when I sent Mme. Duvernoy to ask you for pity I was utterly worn out, body and soul. 

I will not remind you, Armand, of the return you made for the last proof of love that I gave you, and of the outrage by which you drove away a dying woman, who could not resist your voice when you asked her for a night of love, and who, like a fool, thought for one instant that she might again unite the past with the present. You had the right to do what you did, Armand; people have not always put so high a price on a night of mine! 

I left everything after that. Olympe has taken my place with the Comte de N., and has told him, I hear, the reasons for my leaving him. The Comte de G. was at London. He is one of those men who give just enough importance to making love to women like me for it to be an agreeable pastime, and who are thus able to remain friends with women, not hating them because they have never been jealous of them, and he is, too, one of those grand seigneurs who open only a part of their hearts to us, but the whole of their purses. It was of him that I immediately thought. I joined him in London. He received me as kindly as possible, but he was the lover there of a woman in society, and he feared to compromise himself if he were seen with me. He introduced me to his friends, who gave a supper in my honour, after which one of them took me home with him. 

What else was there for me to do, my friend? If I had killed myself it would have burdened your life, which ought to be happy, with a needless remorse; and then, what is the good of killing oneself when one is so near dying already? 

I became a body without a soul, a thing without a thought; I lived for some time in that automatic way; then I returned to Paris, and asked after you; I heard then that you were gone on a long voyage. There was nothing left to hold me to life. My existence became what it had been two years before I knew you. I tried to win back the duke, but I had offended him too deeply. Old men are not patient, no doubt because they realize that they are not eternal. I got weaker every day. I was pale and sad and thinner than ever. Men who buy love examine the goods before taking them. At Paris there were women in better health, and not so thin as I was; I was rather forgotten. That is all the past up to yesterday. 

Now I am seriously ill. I have written to the duke to ask him for money, for I have none, and the creditors have returned, and come to me with their bills with pitiless perseverance. Will the duke answer? Why are you not in Paris, Armand? You would come and see me, and your visits would do me good. 

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