23.2 伊 ê 形影不時出現我腦中

23.2 I ê hêng-iáⁿ put-sî chhut-hiān góa náu-tiong

Án-ne, kòe chi̍t kò goe̍h, hit sî góa í-keng bô hoat-tō͘ koh jím-siū ah. Marguerite ê hêng-iáⁿ put-sî chhut-hiān tī góa náu tiong. Góa ài kòe chit ê cha-bó͘, kàu taⁿ iáu sī ài i, góa bô khó-lêng kā i pàng bē-kì. Góa m̄-sī ài i, tō sī hūn i. M̄-koán góa án-chóaⁿ tùi-thāi i, góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h ài koh kìⁿ i chi̍t bīn, lú kín lú hó. Chit ê siūⁿ-hoat chhiong-móa góa ê sim-su, hō͘ kú-lâi góa bô-lám bô-ne ê sin-khu koh chhut-hiān kian-kiông ê ì-chì.

Bô hoat-tō͘ koh tán chi̍t kò goe̍h a̍h-sī chi̍t lé-pài chiah khòaⁿ Marguerite. Tī góa ū chit ê siūⁿ-hoat liáu, tē-jī kang góa tio̍h ài khòaⁿ i; góa chhōe goán lāu-pē, kā kóng góa ū tāi-chì tio̍h khì Paris, chin kín tō ē tńg-lâi. Tong-jiân i ioh ē tio̍h góa boeh lī-khui ê lí-iû, in-ūi i kian-chhî m̄ hō͘ góa khì; m̄-koh khòaⁿ tio̍h hit sî góa ê chōng-hóng, i chai-iáⁿ góa chit ê ì-chì nā bô si̍t-hiān, khióng-kiaⁿ hiō-kó ē chin bé-miā, i tō kā góa lám leh, kiông boeh khàu chhut-lâi iau-kiû góa tio̍h kín-kín tńg-lâi, m̄-thang iân-chhiân.

Tńg Paris ê lō͘ siōng, góa lóng bô khùn. Kàu hia liáu, góa boeh chhòng siáⁿ? Góa m̄-chai; góa kan-ta chai he tiāⁿ-tio̍h kap Marguerite ū khan-liân. Góa tńg khì góan chhù ōaⁿ saⁿ, in-ūi thiⁿ-khì bē-bái, sî-kan mā iáu chá, góa tō kiâⁿ khì Champs-Elysees tōa-ke. Kòe pòaⁿ tiám-cheng, góa hn̄g-hn̄g khòaⁿ tio̍h Marguerite ê bé-chhia, ùi Rond-Point kiâⁿ hiòng Place de Concorde. I í-keng kā i ê bé-á koh bé tńg-lâi ah, in-ūi bé-chhia kap góa kòe-khì si̍p-koàn khòaⁿ tio̍h ê kāng-khoán, m̄-koh i lâng bô tī bé-chhia nih. Chai i bô tī chhia-téng, góa sûi sì-kè khòaⁿ-khòaⁿ leh, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h Marguerite hām chi̍t ê góa m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe ê cha-bó͘ chò-hóe teh sàn-pō͘.

Kiâⁿ kòe góa sin-piⁿ ê sî, i bīn-sek hoán-pe̍h, chhùi-tûn peⁿ chi̍t-ē bián-kióng kek chhiò. Góa neh, góa ê sim-chōng phi̍h-pho̍k kiò; m̄-koh góa pó-chhî léng-tām ê bīn-sek, ǹg góa ê kū-chêng-hū tìm-thâu, phah chi̍t ê léng-léng ê chio-ho͘. I sûi kiâⁿ hiòng i ê bé-chhia, hām in pêng-iú peh ji̍p-khì.

Góa liáu-kái Marguerite, chit-chióng tī lō͘ nih hut-jiân sio-tú, tiāⁿ-tio̍h hō͘ i tio̍h-kiaⁿ. I it-tēng ū thiaⁿ-kóng góa lī-khui Paris, só͘-í í-keng khak-tēng góan ê hun-chhiú bē ū siáⁿ hiō-kó. Taⁿ koh khòaⁿ tio̍h góa tī Paris, kap góa tng-bīn sio-tú, góa koh hiah-nī bīn-sek pe̍h-pe̍h, i it-tēng chai góa tńg-lâi tiāⁿ-tio̍h ū siáⁿ iân-kò͘, i it-tēng siūⁿ boeh chai sī siáⁿ iân-kò͘.

Jû-kó góa khòaⁿ tio̍h Marguerite teh kan-khó͘, jû-kó ūi-tio̍h pò-ho̍k, góa ē-tàng chhut-bīn kiù-chō͘ i, án-ne góa khó-lêng ē goân-liōng i, tong-jiân mā bē siūⁿ boeh siong-hāi i. M̄-koh taⁿ góa khoaⁿ i bêng-bêng chin khoài-lo̍k, pa̍t-lâng í-keng hō͘ i chhia-chhí ê seng-oa̍h, he sī góa chò bē-kàu ê. I pàng-sak góa, khòaⁿ khí-lâi sī ūi-tio̍h ka-tī, chit-chióng pi-phí ê sèng-chit siong-hāi tio̍h góa ê chū-chun kap góa ê ài. Góa koat-sim i tio̍h ūi-tio̍h góa ê kan-khó͘ hù chhut tāi-kè.

Góa bô hoat-tō͘ bô koan-sim i ê hêng-tōng, só͘-í siōng ē-tàng siong-hāi i ê tō-sī mài chhap i. Só͘-í, góa tio̍h kek léng-léng, m̄-nā tī i bīn-chêng, mā tio̍h tī chiòng-lâng ê bīn-chêng.

Góa kek chhut chi̍t ê chhiò-bīn, cháu khì chhōe Prudence. Lú-po̍k ji̍p-khì thong-pò, góa tio̍h tī hōe-kheh-sek tán leh. Āu-lâi, Duvernoy Hj chóng-sǹg chhut-lâi, kiò góa ji̍p-khì i ê kheh-thiaⁿ. Góa tú chē-lo̍h, tō thiaⁿ tio̍h hōe-kheh-sek ê mn̂g phah-khui, tē-pán ū khin-khin ê kha-pō͘ siaⁿ, jiân-āu mn̂g tōa la̍t koaiⁿ khí-lâi.

"Pháiⁿ-sè, lâi kiáu-jiáu lí," góa kā Prudence kóng.

"Bē lah. Marguerite tú-chiah tī chia. I thiaⁿ tio̍h kóng lí lâi, tō cháu khì ah; tú-chiah chhut-khì ê tō sī i."

"I taⁿ kiaⁿ góa sioh?"

"M̄-sī, i khióng-kiaⁿ lí ē bô-ài khòaⁿ tio̍h i."

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23.2 伊 ê 形影不時出現我腦中

Án-ne, 過一個月, 彼時我已經無法度 koh 忍受 ah. Marguerite ê 形影不時出現 tī 我腦中. 我愛過這个查某, 到今猶是愛伊, 我無可能 kā 伊放袂記. 我毋是愛伊, tō 是恨伊. 毋管我按怎對待伊, 我定著愛 koh 見伊一面, 愈緊愈好. 這个想法充滿我 ê 心思, 予久來我無攬無拈 ê 身軀 koh 出現堅強 ê 意志.

無法度 koh 等一個月抑是一禮拜才看 Marguerite. Tī 我有這个想法了, 第二工我著愛看伊; 我揣阮老爸, kā 講我有代誌著去 Paris, 真緊 tō 會轉來. 當然伊臆會著我欲離開 ê 理由, 因為伊堅持毋予我去; 毋過看著彼時我 ê 狀況, 伊知影我這个意志 nā 無實現, 恐驚後果會真買命, 伊 tō kā 我攬 leh, 強欲哭出來要求我著緊緊轉來, 毋通延 chhiân.

轉 Paris ê 路上, 我攏無睏. 到遐了, 我欲創啥? 我毋知; 我干焦知彼定著 kap Marguerite 有牽連. 我轉去阮厝換衫, 因為天氣袂䆀, 時間 mā 猶早, 我 tō 行去 Champs-Elysees 大街. 過半點鐘, 我遠遠看著 Marguerite ê 馬車, ùi Rond-Point 行向 Place de Concorde. 伊已經 kā 伊 ê 馬仔 koh 買轉來 ah, 因為馬車 kap 我過去習慣看著 ê 仝款, 毋過伊人無 tī 馬車 nih. 知伊無 tī 車頂, 我隨四界看看 leh, 我看著 Marguerite 和一个我毋 bat 看過 ê 查某做伙 teh 散步.

行過我身邊 ê 時, 伊面色反白, 喙脣繃一下勉強激笑. 我 neh, 我 ê 心臟 phi̍h-pho̍k 叫; 毋過我保持冷淡 ê 面色, ǹg 我 ê 舊情婦 tìm 頭, 拍一个冷冷 ê 招呼. 伊隨行向伊 ê 馬車, 和 in 朋友 peh 入去.

我了解 Marguerite, 這種 tī 路 nih 忽然相拄, 定著予伊著驚. 伊一定有聽講我離開 Paris, 所以已經確定阮 ê 分手袂有啥後果. 今 koh 看著我 tī Paris, kap 我當面相拄, 我 koh hiah-nī 面色白白, 伊一定知我轉來定著有啥緣故, 伊一定想欲知是啥緣故.

如果我看著 Marguerite teh 艱苦, 如果為著報復, 我會當出面救助伊, án-ne 我可能會原諒伊, 當然 mā 袂想欲傷害伊. 毋過今我看伊明明真快樂, 別人已經予伊奢侈 ê 生活, 彼是我做袂到 ê. 伊放捒我, 看起來是為著家己, 這種卑鄙 ê 性質傷害著我 ê 自尊 kap 我 ê 愛. 我決心伊著為著我 ê 艱苦付出代價.

我無法度無關心伊 ê 行動, 所以上會當傷害伊 ê tō 是莫 chhap 伊. 所以, 我著激冷冷, 毋但 tī 伊面前, mā 著 tī 眾人 ê 面前.

我激出一个笑面, 走去揣 Prudence. 女僕入去通報, 我著 tī 會客室等 leh. 後來, Duvernoy Hj 總算出來, 叫我入去伊 ê 客廳. 我拄坐落, tō 聽著會客室 ê 門拍開, 地板有輕輕 ê 跤步聲, 然後門大力關起來.

"歹勢, 來攪擾你," 我 kā Prudence 講.

"袂 lah. Marguerite 拄才 tī 遮. 伊聽著講你來, tō 走去 ah; 拄才出去 ê tō 是伊."

"伊今驚我 sioh?"

"毋是, 伊恐驚你會無愛看著伊."

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23.2

Thus a month passed, but at the end of that time I could endure it no longer. The memory of Marguerite pursued me unceasingly. I had loved, I still loved this woman so much that I could not suddenly become indifferent to her. I had to love or to hate her. Above all, whatever I felt for her, I had to see her again, and at once. This desire possessed my mind, and with all the violence of a will which had begun to reassert itself in a body so long inert. 

It was not enough for me to see Marguerite in a month, a week. I had to see her the very next day after the day when the thought had occurred to me; and I went to my father and told him that I had been called to Paris on business, but that I should return promptly. No doubt he guessed the reason of my departure, for he insisted that I should stay, but, seeing that if I did not carry out my intention the consequences, in the state in which I was, might be fatal, he embraced me, and begged me, almost, with tears, to return without delay. 

I did not sleep on the way to Paris. Once there, what was I going to do? I did not know; I only knew that it must be something connected with Marguerite. I went to my rooms to change my clothes, and, as the weather was fine and it was still early, I made my way to the Champs-Elysees. At the end of half an hour I saw Marguerite's carriage, at some distance, coming from the Rond-Point to the Place de la Concorde. She had repurchased her horses, for the carriage was just as I was accustomed to see it, but she was not in it. Scarcely had I noticed this fact, when looking around me, I saw Marguerite on foot, accompanied by a woman whom I had never seen. 

As she passed me she turned pale, and a nervous smile tightened about her lips. For my part, my heart beat violently in my breast; but I succeeded in giving a cold expression to my face, as I bowed coldly to my former mistress, who just then reached her carriage, into which she got with her friend. 

I knew Marguerite: this unexpected meeting must certainly have upset her. No doubt she had heard that I had gone away, and had thus been reassured as to the consequences of our rupture; but, seeing me again in Paris, finding herself face to face with me, pale as I was, she must have realized that I had not returned without purpose, and she must have asked herself what that purpose was. 

If I had seen Marguerite unhappy, if, in revenging myself upon her, I could have come to her aid, I should perhaps have forgiven her, and certainly I should have never dreamt of doing her an injury. But I found her apparently happy, some one else had restored to her the luxury which I could not give her; her breaking with me seemed to assume a character of the basest self-interest; I was lowered in my own esteem as well as in my love. I resolved that she should pay for what I had suffered. 

I could not be indifferent to what she did, consequently what would hurt her the most would be my indifference; it was, therefore, this sentiment which I must affect, not only in her eyes, but in the eyes of others. 

I tried to put on a smiling countenance, and I went to call on Prudence. The maid announced me, and I had to wait a few minutes in the drawing-room. At last Mme. Duvernoy appeared and asked me into her boudoir; as I seated myself I heard the drawing-room door open, a light footstep made the floor creak and the front door was closed violently. 

"I am disturbing you," I said to Prudence. 

"Not in the least. Marguerite was there. When she heard you announced, she made her escape; it was she who has just gone out." 

"Is she afraid of me now?" 

"No. but she is afraid that you would not wish to see her." 

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