25.3 我祈禱, 請神予我力量

25.3 Góa kî-tó, chhiáⁿ Sîn hō͘ góa le̍k-liōng

Góa ê pêng-iú, só͘-ū chiah-ê góa tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ siūⁿ-khí ê tāi-chì, kan-ta hō͘ góa thun-siaⁿ lâu ba̍k-sái, chiah-ê ōe hō͘ lín lāu-pē kóng khí-lâi, iáu koh khah hiah-nī chin-si̍t. Sui-jiân lín lāu-pē boeh kóng, bô kóng, góa kā ka-tī kóng: góa chí-put-kò sī chi̍t ê thàn-chia̍h cha-bó͘, m̄-koán góa iōng siáⁿ-mih lí-iû kái-soeh lán ê koan-hē, chóng-sī hō͘ lâng khòaⁿ-chò sī góa ê kè-bô͘; góa ê kòe-khì hō͘ góa bô khoân-lī chò chit-khoán bī-lâi ê bí-bāng, góa ê kòe-khì kap miâ-siaⁿ bô hoat-tō͘ pó-chèng siáⁿ-mih, góa tio̍h ūi che hū khí chek-jīm. Kán-tan kóng, góa ài lí, Armand.

Duval Ss kap góa kóng-ōe ê chû-siông thāi-tō͘; i kiò-chhéⁿ góa kòe-khì chióng-chióng ê kì-tî; góa boeh tit-tio̍h chit ê lāu-lâng ê chun-kèng; lí ê chun-kèng, chiong-lâi góa it-tēng mā ē tit-tio̍h: só͘-ū chiah-ê lóng hō͘ góa ê sim-koaⁿ seⁿ-chhut siūⁿ-hoat, hō͘ góa khòaⁿ-tio̍h ka-tī sîn-sèng, chū-lâi m̄-bat ū ê chun-giâm. Siūⁿ-tio̍h chit ê taⁿ ūi-tio̍h in kiáⁿ lâi khún-kiû góa ê lāu-lâng, ū chi̍t-kang ē kā in cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ kóng, tio̍h kā góa ê miâ tòng-chò sîn-pì ê pêng-iú, khǹg tī kî-tó lāi-té, góa ê kèng-kài ká-ná kui-ê choán-piàn, góa kám-kak ka-tī chin kiau-ngō͘.

Chi̍t-sî ê kek-tōng khó-lêng kā chiah-ê ìn-siōng kóng kah siuⁿ phòng-hong, m̄-koh, góa ê pêng-iú, che tō sī góa ê kám-kak, chiah-ê kám-kak hō͘ góa bô koh hoâi-liām góa kap lí chò-hóe seng-oa̍h ê hiah-ê ji̍t-chí.

"Sian-siⁿ, lí kóng," góa, ba̍k-sái chhit-chhit leh, kā lín lāu-pē kóng, "lí siong-sìn góa ài lín kiáⁿ bô?"

"Siong-sìn," Duval Ss kóng.

"Sī chi̍t-chióng bô-su ê ài mah?"

"Sī ah."

"Lí kám siong-sìn, chit-chióng ài-chêng góa bat kā tòng-chò seng-oa̍h ê hi-bāng, bí-bāng, kap an-ùi?"

"Choa̍t-tùi siong-sìn."

"Hm, sian-siⁿ, tō ná chhiūⁿ chim lín cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ án-ne, chim góa chi̍t-ē, góa hoat-sè, chit ê góa só͘ tit-tio̍h ê ûi-it sûn-kiat ê chim, ē hō͘ góa chiàn-iâⁿ ài-chêng ê le̍k-liōng, m̄-bián chi̍t lé-pài, lín kiáⁿ tō ē tńg-khì lí sin-piⁿ, tú khai-sí i khó-lêng ē ut-chut, m̄-koh án-ne tō ē tit-kiù ah."

"Lí sī sèng-kiat ê ko͘-niû," lín lāu-pē ìn góa, chim góa ê hia̍h-thâu, "lí boeh chò ê tāi-chì, Sîn ē siúⁿ-sù lí; m̄-koh góa khióng-kiaⁿ lí bô hoat-tō͘ éng-hióng goán kiáⁿ."

"Oh, lí hòng-sim, sian-siⁿ; i tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē hūn góa."

Góa tio̍h tī lán nn̄g lâng tiong-kan siat chi̍t ê lí kap góa lóng peh bē-kòe ê chiòng-gāi.

Góa siá phe hō͘ Prudence, kā kóng góa í-keng chiap-siū N pek-chiok ê iau-kiû, kiò i kā kóng, góa hām Prudence boeh kap i chò-hóe chia̍h siau-iā. Phe hong hó, góa bô kā lín lāu-pē kóng lāi-té siá siáⁿ, chhiáⁿ i kàu Paris ê sî, phài lâng chiàu tē-chí sàng chhut-khì.

I mn̄g góa lāi-té siá siáⁿ-mih.

"Lín kiáⁿ ê hok-lī," góa án-ne kā kóng.

Lín lāu-pē koh chi̍t-pái chim góa. Góa kám-kak hia̍h-thâu ū nn̄g tih kám-tōng ê ba̍k-sái, ná sī góa kòe-khì chōe-kò ê sé-lé. Tī góa tông-ì pàng tiāu chi̍t ê cha-po͘ khì ōaⁿ pa̍t-lâng ê sî, siūⁿ-tio̍h chit pō͘ chhò só͘ tit-tio̍h ê pó͘-sióng, góa kiau-ngō͘ kah ē hoat-kng.

Che sī chin chū-jiân, Armand. Lí bat kóng, lín lāu-pē sī sè-kài-siōng chòe chiàⁿ-ti̍t ê lâng.

Duval Ss peh-chhiūⁿ bé-chhia, chhut-hoat tńg-khì Paris.

Góa chí-sī chi̍t ê cha-bó͘, nā koh tú-tio̍h lí, góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē tōa-khàu, m̄-koh góa bô tò-kiu.

Góa án-ne chò tio̍h bô? Kin-á-ji̍t góa it-ti̍t án-ne mn̄g ka-tī, góa tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, hoān-sè kàu sí, góa lóng tio̍h tó tī chia.

Lí ū chhin-ba̍k khòaⁿ tio̍h, lán boeh lī-khui chìn-chêng góa ê kám-kak sī án-chóaⁿ; lín lāu-pē bô tī hia chi-chhî góa, ū chi̍t chūn, góa hiám-á kā só͘-ū ê lóng hiòng lí kò-pe̍h, in-ūi siūⁿ-tio̍h lí tō boeh chheh góa, koh khòaⁿ góa bô, góa ê sim sī gōa-nī kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ neh.

Ū chi̍t-hāng sū khó-lêng lí bē siong-sìn, Armand, góa kî-tó, chhiáⁿ Sîn hō͘ góa le̍k-liōng; Sîn ū sù góa só͘ kî-tó ê le̍k-liōng, che mā chèng-bêng liáu, i ū chiap-siū góa ê hi-seng.

Chia̍h siau-iā ê sî, góa iáu sī ài lâng pang-chō͘, in-ūi góa m̄-chai boeh chhòng-siáⁿ, góa chiok kiaⁿ ē sit-khì ióng-khì. Kám ū-lâng ē siong-sìn, góa, Marguerite Gautier, siūⁿ-tio̍h boeh ū chi̍t ê sin chêng-jîn, ná ē hiah-nī kan-khó͘? Góa piàⁿ-miā lim, ūi-tio̍h boeh bē-kì it-chhè, tńg-kang góa chhéⁿ-lâi, sī tī pek-chiok ê bîn-chhn̂g.

Che lóng sī chin ê, pêng-iú, lí phêng-toàn, mā goân-liōng góa, in-ūi góa í-keng goân-liōng chū hit-kang khí lí só͘ hō͘ góa ê khó͘-lān.

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25.3 我祈禱, 請神予我力量

我 ê 朋友, 所有 chiah-ê 我定定想起 ê 代誌, 干焦予我吞聲流目屎, chiah-ê 話予恁老爸講起來, 猶閣較 hiah-nī 真實. 雖然恁老爸欲講, 無講, 我 kā 家己講: 我只不過是一个趁食查某, 毋管我用 siáⁿ-mih 理由解說咱 ê 關係, 總是予人看做是我 ê 計謀; 我 ê 過去予我無權利做這款未來 ê 美夢, 我 ê 過去 kap 名聲無法度保證啥物, 我著為這負起責任. 簡單講, 我愛你, Armand.

Duval Ss kap 我講話 ê 慈祥態度; 伊叫醒我過去種種 ê 記持; 我欲得著這个老人 ê 尊敬; 你 ê 尊敬, 將來我一定 mā 會得著: 所有 chiah-ê 攏予我 ê 心肝生出想法, 予我看著家己神聖, 自來毋 bat 有 ê 尊嚴. 想著這个今為著 in 囝來懇求我 ê 老人, 有一工會 kā in 查某囝講, 著 kā 我 ê 名當做神祕 ê 朋友, 囥 tī 祈禱內底, 我 ê 警戒敢若規个轉變, 我感覺家己真驕傲.

一時 ê 激動可能 kā chiah-ê 印象講甲傷膨風, 毋過, 我 ê 朋友, 這 tō 是我 ê 感覺, chiah-ê 感覺予我無 koh 懷念我 kap 你做伙生活 ê hiah-ê 日子.

"先生, 你講," 我, 目屎拭拭 leh, kā 恁老爸講, "你相信我愛恁囝無?"

"相信," Duval Ss 講.

"是一種無私 ê 愛 mah?"

"是 ah."

"你敢相信, 這種愛情我 bat kā 當做生活 ê 希望, 美夢, kap 安慰?"

"絕對相信."

"Hm, 先生, tō 若像唚恁查某囝 án-ne, 唚我一下, 我發誓, 這个我所得著 ê 唯一純潔 ê 唚, 會予我戰贏愛情 ê 力量, 毋免一禮拜, 恁囝 tō 會轉去你身邊, 拄開始伊可能會鬱卒, 毋過 án-ne tō 會得救 ah."

"你是聖潔 ê 姑娘," 恁老爸應我, 唚我 ê 額頭, "你欲做 ê 代誌, 神會賞賜你; 毋過我恐驚你無法度影響阮囝."

"Oh, 你放心, 先生; 伊定著會恨我."

我著 tī 咱兩人中間設一个你 kap 我攏 peh 袂過 ê 障礙.

我寫批予 Prudence, kā 講我已經接受 N 伯爵 ê 要求, 叫伊 kā 講, 我和 Prudence 欲 kap 伊做伙食宵夜. 批封好, 我無 kā 恁老爸講內底寫啥, 請伊到 Paris ê 時, 派人照地址送出去.

伊問我內底寫啥物.

"恁囝 ê 福利," 我 án-ne kā 講.

恁老爸 koh 一擺唚我. 我感覺額頭有兩滴感動 ê 目屎, ná 是我過去罪過 ê 洗禮. Tī 我同意放掉一个查埔去換別人 ê 時, 想著這步錯所得著 ê 補償, 我驕傲甲會發光.

這是真自然, Armand. 你 bat 講, 恁老爸是世界上最正直 ê 人.

Duval Ss peh 上馬車, 出發轉去 Paris.

我只是一个查某, nā koh 拄著你, 我定著會大哭, 毋過我無倒勼.

我 án-ne 做著無? 今仔日我一直 án-ne 問家己, 我倒 tī 眠床, 凡勢到死, 我攏著倒 tī 遮.

你有親目看著, 咱欲離開進前我 ê 感覺是按怎; 恁老爸無 tī 遐支持我, 有一陣, 我險仔 kā 所有 ê 攏向你告白, 因為想著你 tō 欲慼我, koh 看我無, 我 ê 心是偌 nī 驚惶 neh.

有一項事可能你袂相信, Armand, 我祈禱, 請神予我力量; 神有賜我所祈禱 ê 力量, 這 mā 證明了, 伊有接受我 ê 犧牲.

食宵夜 ê 時, 我猶是愛人幫助, 因為我毋知欲創啥, 我足驚會失去勇氣. 敢有人會相信, 我, Marguerite Gautier, 想著欲有一个新情人, 那會 hiah-nī 艱苦? 我拚命啉, 為著欲袂記一切, 轉工我醒來, 是 tī 伯爵 ê 眠床.

這攏是真 ê, 朋友, 你評斷, mā 原諒我, 因為我已經原諒自彼工起所你予我 ê 苦難.

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25.3

I wept silently, my friend, at all these reflections which I had so often made, and which, in the mouth of your father, took a yet more serious reality. I said to myself all that your father dared not say to me, though it had come to his lips twenty times: that I was, after all, only a kept woman, and that whatever excuse I gave for our liaison, it would always look like calculation on my part; that my past life left me no right to dream of such a future, and that I was accepting responsibilities for which my habits and reputation were far from giving any guarantee. In short, I loved you, Armand. 

The paternal way in which M. Duval had spoken to me; the pure memories that he awakened in me; the respect of this old man, which I would gain; yours, which I was sure of gaining later on: all that called up in my heart thoughts which raised me in my own eyes with a sort of holy pride, unknown till then. When I thought that one day this old man, who was now imploring me for the future of his son, would bid his daughter mingle my name with her prayers, as the name of a mysterious friend, I seemed to become transformed, and I felt a pride in myself. 

The exaltation of the moment perhaps exaggerated the truth of these impressions, but that was what I felt, friend, and these new feelings silenced the memory of the happy days I had spent with you. 

"Tell me, sir," I said to your father, wiping away my tears, "do you believe that I love your son?" 

"Yes," said M. Duval.

"With a disinterested love?"

"Yes." 

"Do you believe that I had made this love the hope, the dream, the forgiveness--of my life?" 

"Implicitly." 

"Well, sir, embrace me once, as you would embrace your daughter, and I swear to you that that kiss, the only chaste kiss I have ever had, will make me strong against my love, and that within a week your son will be once more at your side, perhaps unhappy for a time, but cured forever." 

"You are a noble child," replied your father, kissing me on the forehead, "and you are making an attempt for which God will reward you; but I greatly fear that you will have no influence upon my son." 

"Oh, be at rest, sir; he will hate me."

I had to set up between us, as much for me as for you, an insurmountable barrier. 

I wrote to Prudence to say that I accepted the proposition of the Comte de N., and that she was to tell him that I would sup with her and him. I sealed the letter, and, without telling him what it contained, asked your father to have it forwarded to its address on reaching Paris. 

He inquired of me what it contained. 

"Your son's welfare," I answered. 

Your father embraced me once more. I felt two grateful tears on my forehead, like the baptism of my past faults, and at the moment when I consented to give myself up to another man I glowed with pride at the thought of what I was redeeming by this new fault. 

It was quite natural, Armand. You told me that your father was the most honest man in the world. 

M. Duval returned to his carriage, and set out for Paris. 

I was only a woman, and when I saw you again I could not help weeping, but I did not give way. 

Did I do right? That is what I ask myself to-day, as I lie ill in my bed, that I shall never leave, perhaps, until I am dead. 

You are witness of what I felt as the hour of our separation approached; your father was no longer there to support me, and there was a moment when I was on the point of confessing everything to you, so terrified was I at the idea that you were going to hate and despise me. 

One thing which you will not believe, perhaps, Armand, is that I prayed God to give me strength; and what proves that he accepted my sacrifice is that he gave me the strength for which I prayed. 

At supper I still had need of aid, for I could not think of what I was going to do, so much did I fear that my courage would fail me. Who would ever have said that I, Marguerite Gautier, would have suffered so at the mere thought of a new lover? I drank for forgetfulness, and when I woke next day I was beside the count. 

That is the whole truth, friend. judge me and pardon me, as I have pardoned you for all the wrong that you have done me since that day. 

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