23.1 老爸勸我同齊離開 Paris

Tē 23 Chiong

23.1 Lāu-pē khǹg góa tâng-chê lī-khui Paris

Seng-oa̍h ê chióng-chióng nā koh lâu-tāng ê sî, góa m̄-káⁿ siong-sìn sin-lâi ê chi̍t kang kap kòe-khì ē ū siáⁿ bô-kāng. Ū sî-chūn, góa kám-kak sim-sek, ta̍k-pái m̄-chai siáⁿ tāi-chì hō͘ góa bē-tàng tńg-khì pôe Marguerite kòe-mê, tē-jī kang tńg-kàu Bougival, góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē khòaⁿ tio̍h i kap góa kāng-khoán tio̍h-kip, tō mn̄g góa sī-án-chóaⁿ khì hiah kú, hāi i kau-kau bāng.

Ài-chêng nā í-keng sī chi̍t-chióng seng-oa̍h si̍p-koàn, siūⁿ-boeh kai-piàn chit-chióng seng-oa̍h, koh bô siong-tio̍h kî-thaⁿ ê sū-sū hāng-hāng, che sī bô khó-lêng ê tāi-chì. Góa chí-hó chi̍t-piàn koh chi̍t-piàn tha̍k Marguerite siá ê phe, án-ne ē-tàng hō͘ góa chai-iaⁿ góa m̄-sī teh bîn-bāng.

In-ūi cheng-sîn siōng ê táⁿ-kek, góa ê sin-thé piàn-kah nńg-siô-siô. Sim-lāi chhau-hoân, kui-mê kóaⁿ-lō͘, chá-khí ê siau-sit lóng hō͘ góa nńg-lo̍h. Goán lāu-pē khòaⁿ góa án-ne bô-lám bô-ne, tō kiò góa tah-èng kap i tâng-chê lī-khui Paris. Góa tah-èng i só͘-ū ê iau-kiû, in-ūi góa bô khùi-la̍t kóng siáⁿ, tī chit-khoán tāi-chì hoat-seng liáu-āu, góa mā su-iàu ū lâng tông-chêng lâi chi-chhî góa ê sèⁿ-miā. Góa chin kám-siā lāu-pē tī chit tiûⁿ chai-lān tiong-kan goān-ì lâi an-ùi góa.

Só͘-ū góa ē-kì-tit ê sī, hit-kang tāi-khài chá-khí gō͘ tiám, i chhōa góa peh-chiūⁿ bé-chhia. Siáⁿ to bô kă kóng, i hoan-hù lâng kā góa ê hêng-lí khún hó, hām i ê chò-hóe khǹg tī bé-chhia āu-bīn, chū án-ne kă chhōa cháu. Góa it-ti̍t gāng-gāng, tán-kàu siâⁿ-chhī siau-sit tī āu-bīn, lí-tô͘ ê hi-bî koh ín-khí góa sim-lāi ê khang-hi, sûi tō koh ba̍k-sái sì-lâm-sûi.

Goán lāu-pē chai-iáⁿ, m̄-koán siáⁿ ōe, sīm-chì i só͘ kóng ê, mā bô hoat-tō͘ an-ùi góa, só͘-í i tiām-tiām hō͘ góa khàu, chí-sī ū sî tēⁿ góa ê chhiú, ká-ná sī teh kóng, góa ū chi̍t ê pêng-iú tī sin-piⁿ.

Àm-sî góa sió khùn chi̍t-ē, bāng tio̍h Marguerite.

Góa hut-jiân chhíⁿ lâi, bē-kì-tit góa ná ē tī bé-chhia nih. Āu-lâi góa koh siūⁿ khí-lâi, tō thâu lê-lê. Góa m̄-káⁿ kap goán lāu-pē kóng siáⁿ, khióng-kiaⁿ i ē kóng, "Lí khòaⁿ, góa bô m̄-tio̍h, góa chá tō kóng, chit ê cha-bó͘ m̄-sī chin-sim ài lí." M̄-koh i bô thàn ki-hōe, it-ti̍t tán goán kàu C siâⁿ, tî-liáu kóng chi̍t-kóa bô iàu-kín ê tāi-chì í-gōa, i lóng bô thê-khí góa lī-khui Paris ê in-toaⁿ chit chân tāi-chì.

Góa lám goán sió-mōe ê sî, góa siūⁿ tio̍h Marguerite tī phe lāi-té án-chóaⁿ siá i, m̄-koh góa sûi chai, m̄-koán sió-mōe gōa hó, mā bô hoat-tō͘ hō͘ góa pàng bē-kì góa ê ài-jîn.

Phah-la̍h ê sî-chūn kàu ah, goán lāu-pē jīn-ûi che sī sàn-sim ê hó sî-ki. I chhōe pêng-iú kap chhù-piⁿ cho͘ chi̍t ê phah-la̍h oa̍h-tāng. Góa mā ka-ji̍p, bô kī-choa̍t, mā bô chin hèng, chū-chiông lī-khui Paris í-lâi, góa chóng-sī bô-lám bô-ne.

Goán khai-sí kóaⁿ tōng-bu̍t thang lia̍h, in an-pâi góa kò͘ chi̍t ê ūi. Góa kā chhèng-chí chheng khang ê chhèng khǹg-lo̍h tī sin piⁿ, teh chhim-su. Thiⁿ-téng ū hûn teh poe, góa ê su-sióng tī ko͘-to̍k ê khòng-iá cháu-se̍h, kúi-nā kái ū-lâng kiò góa, kóng, lī góa cha̍p pō͘ hn̄g ū chi̍t chiah thò͘-á.

Chiah-ê sè-chiat goán lāu-pē lóng khòaⁿ tio̍h, i bô hō͘ góa gōa-piáu ê pêng-chēng phiàn kòe. I chin chheng-chhó, siū tio̍h chiah tōa táⁿ-kek ê góa, ū-chi̍t-kang chiong ē keng-giām chi̍t ê khó-phà ê hoán-èng, he ē ū gûi-hiám, m̄-koh i kek-kah ná bô teh an-ùi góa, chí-sī chīn-liōng hun-sòaⁿ góa ê sim-su.

Goán sió-mōe tong-jiân lóng m̄-chai hoat-seng siáⁿ tāi-chì, i bē liáu-kái, sī án-chóaⁿ góa í-chêng lóng sī chin khai-lóng, ná ē tu̍t-jiân piàn-kah chiah iu-būn koh ū sim-sū.

Ū-sî, tng góa teh siong-sim ê sî, hut-jiân khòaⁿ tio̍h goán lāu-pē iu-sim teh khòaⁿ góa, góa kā i ê chhiú tēⁿ tio̍h, ná chhiūⁿ tiām-tiām chhiáⁿ i goân-liōng góa bô-ì-tiong tòa hō͘ i ê thòng-khó͘.

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第 23 章

23.1 老爸勸我同齊離開 Paris

生活 ê 種種 nā koh 流動 ê 時, 我毋敢相信新來 ê 一工 kap 過去會有啥無仝. 有時陣, 我感覺心適, 逐擺毋知啥代誌予我袂當轉去陪 Marguerite 過暝, 第二工轉到 Bougival, 我定著會看著伊 kap 我仝款著急, tō 問我是按怎去 hiah 久, 害伊 kau-kau 望.

愛情 nā 已經是一種生活習慣, 想欲改變這種生活, koh 無傷著其他 ê 事事項項, 這是無可能 ê 代誌. 我只好一遍 koh 一遍讀 Marguerite 寫 ê 批, án-ne 會當予我知影我毋是 teh 眠夢.

因為精神上 ê 打擊, 我 ê 身體變甲軟 siô-siô. 心內操煩, 規暝趕路, 早起 ê 消息攏予我軟落. 阮老爸看我 án-ne 無攬無拈, tō 叫我答應 kap 伊同齊離開 Paris. 我答應伊所有 ê 要求, 因為我無氣力講啥, tī 這款代誌發生了後, 我 mā 需要有人同情來支持我 ê 性命. 我真感謝老爸 tī 這場災難中間願意來安慰我.

所有我會記得 ê 是, 彼工大概早起五點, 伊 chhōa 我 peh 上馬車. 啥 to 無 kă 講, 伊吩咐人 kā 我 ê 行李捆好, 和伊 ê 做伙囥 tī 馬車後面, 自 án-ne kă chhōa 走. 我一直愣愣, 等到城市消失 tī 後面, 旅途 ê 稀微 koh 引起我心內 ê 空虛, 隨 tō koh 目屎四淋垂.

阮老爸知影, 毋管啥話, 甚至伊所講 ê, mā 無法度安慰我, 所以伊恬恬予我哭, 只是有時捏我 ê 手, 敢若是 teh 講, 我有一个朋友 tī 身邊.

暗時我小睏一下, 夢著 Marguerite.

我忽然醒來, 袂記得我那會 tī 馬車 nih. 後來我 koh 想起來, tō 頭 lê-lê. 我毋敢 kap 阮老爸講啥, 恐驚伊會講, "你看, 我無毋著, 我早 tō 講, 這个查某毋是真心愛你." 毋過伊無趁機會, 一直等阮到 C 城, 除了講一寡無要緊 ê 代誌以外, 伊攏無提起我離開 Paris ê 因端這層代誌.

我攬阮小妹 ê 時, 我想著 Marguerite tī 批內底按怎寫伊, 毋過我隨知, 毋管小妹偌好, mā 無法度予我放袂記我 ê 愛人.

拍獵 ê 時陣到 ah, 阮老爸認為這是散心 ê 好時機. 伊揣朋友 kap 厝邊組一个拍獵活動. 我 mā 加入, 無拒絕, mā 無真興, 自從離開 Paris 以來, 我總是無攬無拈.

阮開始趕動物通掠, in 安排我顧一个位. 我 kā 銃子清空 ê 銃囥落 tī 身邊, teh 深思. 天頂有雲 teh 飛, 我 ê 思想 tī 孤獨 ê 曠野走踅, 幾若改有人叫我, 講, 離我十步遠有一隻兔仔.

Chiah-ê 細節阮老爸攏看著, 伊無予我外表 ê 平靜騙過. 伊真清楚, 受著 chiah 大打擊 ê 我, 有一工將會經驗一个可怕 ê 反應, 彼會有危險, 毋過伊激甲 ná 無 teh 安慰我, 只是盡量分散我 ê 心思.

阮小妹當然攏毋知發生啥代誌, 伊袂了解, 是按怎我以前攏是真開朗, 那會突然變甲 chiah 憂悶 koh 有心事.

有時, 當我 teh 傷心 ê 時, 忽然看著阮老爸憂心 teh 看我, 我 kā 伊 ê 手捏著, 若像恬恬請伊原諒我無意中帶予伊 ê 痛苦.

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Chapter 23 

23.1

When the current of life had resumed its course, I could not believe that the day which I saw dawning would not be like those which had preceded it. There were moments when I fancied that some circumstance, which I could not recollect, had obliged me to spend the night away from Marguerite, but that, if I returned to Bougival, I should find her again as anxious as I had been, and that she would ask me what had detained me away from her so long. 

When one's existence has contracted a habit, such as that of this love, it seems impossible that the habit should be broken without at the same time breaking all the other springs of life. I was forced from time to time to reread Marguerite's letter, in order to convince myself that I had not been dreaming. 

My body, succumbing to the moral shock, was incapable of movement. Anxiety, the night walk, and the morning's news had prostrated me. My father profited by this total prostration of all my faculties to demand of me a formal promise to accompany him. I promised all that he asked, for I was incapable of sustaining a discussion, and I needed some affection to help me to live, after what had happened. I was too thankful that my father was willing to console me under such a calamity. 

All that I remember is that on that day, about five o'clock, he took me with him in a post-chaise. Without a word to me, he had had my luggage packed and put up behind the chaise with his own, and so he carried me off. I did not realize what I was doing until the town had disappeared and the solitude of the road recalled to me the emptiness of my heart. Then my tears again began to flow. 

My father had realized that words, even from him, would do nothing to console me, and he let me weep without saying a word, only sometimes pressing my hand, as if to remind me that I had a friend at my side. 

At night I slept a little. I dreamed of Marguerite. 

I woke with a start, not recalling why I was in the carriage. Then the truth came back upon me, and I let my head sink on my breast. I dared not say anything to my father. I was afraid he would say, "You see I was right when I declared that this woman did not love you." But he did not use his advantage, and we reached C. without his having said anything to me except to speak of matters quite apart from the event which had occasioned my leaving Paris. 

When I embraced my sister, I remembered what Marguerite had said about her in her letter, and I saw at once how little my sister, good as she was, would be able to make me forget my mistress. 

Shooting had begun, and my father thought that it would be a distraction for me. He got up shooting parties with friends and neighbours. I went without either reluctance or enthusiasm, with that sort of apathy into which I had sunk since my departure. 

We were beating about for game and I was given my post. I put down my unloaded gun at my side, and meditated. I watched the clouds pass. I let my thought wander over the solitary plains, and from time to time I heard some one call to me and point to a hare not ten paces off. 

None of these details escaped my father, and he was not deceived by my exterior calm. He was well aware that, broken as I now was, I should some day experience a terrible reaction, which might be dangerous, and, without seeming to make any effort to console me, he did his utmost to distract my thoughts. 

My sister, naturally, knew nothing of what had happened, and she could not understand how it was that I, who had formerly been so lighthearted, had suddenly become so sad and dreamy. 

Sometimes, surprising in the midst of my sadness my father's anxious scrutiny, I pressed his hand as if to ask him tacitly to forgive me for the pain which, in spite of myself, I was giving him. 

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