25.1 袂使無講清楚 tō 死去

Tē 25 Chiong

25.1 Bē-sái bô kóng chheng-chhó tō sí-khì

Armand ná kóng, ū-sî in-ūi lâu ba̍k-sái thêng lo̍h-lâi, kóng chiah kú, í-keng thiám ah. I kā Marguerite chhin-chhiú siá ê ji̍t-kì kau hō͘ góa liáu, siang-chhiú tah tī hia̍h-thâu, ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh, ná teh siūⁿ, mā ná teh ài khùn. Kòe bô kúi hun-cheng, thiaⁿ i khah kín ê chhoán-khùi siaⁿ, góa chai Armand khùn-khì ah, i iáu bô khùn lo̍h-bîn, jīm-hô sè-sè ê siaⁿ-im lóng ē kā phah-chhéⁿ.

Ē-bīn sī góa tha̍k-tio̍h ê; góa chiàu chhau, bô ke mā bô kiám:

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Kin-á-ji̍t sī 12 goe̍h 15, góa í-keng kan-khó͘ 3-4 kang ah. Chá-khí góa lóng tó tī bîn-chhn̂g. Thiⁿ-sek àm-àm, góa ê sim mā bē-khui; sin-piⁿ bô lâng. Góa su-liām lí, Armand. Lí ah, góa taⁿ tī chia, lí tàu-té tī tó-ūi neh? Lī Paris hn̄g-hn̄g-hn̄g, pa̍t-lâng án-ne kă kóng, hoān-sè lí í-keng bē-kì-tit Marguerite lah. Án-ne hó, góa chiok lí hēng-hok; góa it-seng ûi-it ê hēng-hok sī lí hō͘ góa ê.

 Góa jím-put-chū boeh kā lí kái-soeh góa tùi lí só͘ chò ê tāi-chì, góa ū siá chi̍t tiuⁿ phe hō͘ lí; m̄-koh góa chit-chióng cha-bó͘ siá ê phe hoān-sè ē hŏng khòaⁿ chò sī pe̍h-chha̍t, tî-hui sí-bông ê khoân-ui hō͘ phe piàn sîn-sèng; chit tiuⁿ phe tō sī kò-pe̍h lah.

Taⁿ góa ū-pēⁿ; ū khó-lêng pēⁿ-sí, in-ūi góa it-ti̍t ī-kám góa ē té-miā. Goán lāu-bú sí tī hì-pēⁿ, góa chū-lâi ê seng-oa̍h hong-sek, kèng-ka khó-lêng tit-tio̍h goán lāu-bú ûi-thoân hō͘ góa ê chit-chióng pēⁿ. M̄-koh góa bē-sái bô kā lí kóng chheng-chhó góa ê tāi-chì tō sí khì; iā tō sī kóng, ká-sú tńg-lâi ê sî, lí nā iáu ū koan-sim chit ê tī lī-khui chìn-chêng só͘ ài ê ko͘-niû.

Phe ê lāi-bīn siá ê tāi-chì, tī ē-bīn góa ē koh kā siá chi̍t piàn, án-ne ē-tàng thè góa koh chi̍t kái lâu chi̍t ê chèng-kì.

Ē-kì--tit bô, Armand? Lán tī Bougival ê sî, lín lāu-pē lâi ê siau-sit hō͘ lán gōa-nī tio̍h-kiaⁿ; lí ē-kì-tit i lâi hō͘ góa ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, kap lí tī àm-sî kóng hō͘ góa thiaⁿ lí kap i tiong-kan ê tāi-chì bô?

Tē-jī kang lí koh khì Paris tán lín lāu-pē, lí tán bô i tńg-khì, hit-sî, ū chi̍t ê lâng lâi góa tòa ê chhù, kau hō͘ góa chi̍t tiuⁿ lín lāu-pē siá ê phe.

Hit tiuⁿ phe góa kā hù tī chia, phe lāi-té iōng siōng giâm-siok ê kháu-khì kiò góa keh-kang tio̍h iōng bó͘-chióng lí-iû kā lí phiàn khui, án-ne thang kìⁿ lín lāu-pē, i ū ōe boeh kā góa kóng, koh kiò góa che lóng bē-sái hō͘ lí chai-iáⁿ.

Lí ē-kì-tit lí tńg-lâi liáu, góa it-ti̍t kian-chhî keh-kang lí tio̍h koh khì Paris chi̍t chōa.

Lí lī-khui chi̍t tiám-cheng liáu-āu, lín lāu-pē sûi ta̍h-kha-kàu. I ê bīn-sek gōa-nī giâm-siok góa m̄-bián koh kóng. Lín lāu-pē ū chi̍t-chióng lāu koan-liām, jīn-ûi thàn-chia̍h cha-bó͘ lóng sī bô sim-koaⁿ, bô chêng-lí ê lâng, tō ná ē chia̍h-chîⁿ ê ki-khì, liân kā chhī chîⁿ ê chhiú mā boeh chia̍h, kā géng-kah chhùi-kô͘-kô͘, bô tông-chêng, bô hun-pia̍t lí sī chhau-chok ê lâng a̍h m̄-sī.

Lín lāu-pē ūi-tio̍h boeh góa tông-ì kìⁿ i, ū siá chi̍t tiuⁿ chin kheh-khì ê phe; i lâi liáu bô piáu-hiān kah hiah-nī kheh-khì. I ê thāi-tō͘ chi̍t khai-sí chin ngē, chin chho͘-ló͘, sīm-chì iōng ui-hia̍p, góa tio̍h kā kóng hō͘ chai, che sī tī góa ê chhù, nā m̄-sī ūi-tio̍h góa tùi in kiáⁿ ū chin-sim ê kám-chêng, góa bô su-iàu kap i tī chia kiám-thó góa ê su seng-oa̍h.

Duval sian-siⁿ ū sió-khóa khah pēng-chêng lah, m̄-koh iáu-sī kóng, i m̄-chún in hāu-seⁿ ūi-tio̍h góa lâi pāi-ke; góa chin súi, che sī chin, m̄-koh m̄-koán góa gōa súi, góa bē-sái lī-iōng góa ê súi-sek lâi phò-hāi siàu-liân lâng ê chiân-tô͘, hāi i ūi góa án-ne khai-chîⁿ.

Ūi-tio̍h che, kan-ta su-iàu chò chi̍t-hāng, chèng-bêng hō͘ khòaⁿ, chū-chiông chò lí ê chêng-hū í-lâi, góa chò chhut chióng-chióng hi-seng, tùi lí tiong-si̍t, m̄-bat iau-kiû kòe lí kai hù ê chîⁿ. Góa hō͘ khòaⁿ góa ê tǹg-phiò, kap bô hoat-tō͘ tǹg chí-hó bē tiāu ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ ê siu-kì; góa kā kóng, góa koat-tēng piàn-bē ka-kū lâi hêng chè, í-piān kap lí seng-oa̍h m̄-bián ū siuⁿ tāng ê hū-tam. Góa kā kóng lán ê hēng-hok, kap lí kā kóng--ê, án-ne lán ū khó-lêng ū chi̍t ê khah an-chēng, khah khoài-lo̍k ê seng-oa̍h, āu-lâi, i sêng-jīn chiah-ê chèng-kì, chhun chhiú hō͘ góa, kiò góa goân-liōng i chi̍t khai-sí tùi góa só͘ iōng ê thāi-tō͘.

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第 25 章

25.1 袂使無講清楚 tō 死去

Armand ná 講, 有時因為流目屎停落來, 講 chiah 久, 已經忝 ah. 伊 kā Marguerite 親手寫 ê 日記交予我了, 雙手搭 tī 額頭, 目睭瞌瞌, ná teh 想, mā ná teh 愛睏. 過無幾分鐘, 聽伊較緊 ê 喘氣聲, 我知 Armand 睏去 ah, 伊猶無睏落眠, 任何細細 ê 聲音攏會 kā 拍醒.

下面是我讀著 ê; 我照抄, 無加 mā 無減:

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今仔日是 12 月 15, 我已經艱苦 3-4 工 ah. 早起我攏倒 tī 眠床. 天色暗暗, 我 ê 心 mā 袂開; 身邊無人. 我思念你, Armand. 你 ah, 我今 tī 遮, 你到底 tī 佗位 neh? 離 Paris 遠遠遠, 別人 án-ne kă 講, 凡勢你已經袂記得 Marguerite lah. Án-ne 好, 我祝你幸福; 我一生唯一 ê 幸福是你予我 ê.

 我忍不住欲 kā 你解說我對你所做 ê 代誌, 我有寫一張批予你; 毋過我這種查某寫 ê 批凡勢會 hŏng 看做是白賊, 除非死亡 ê 權威予批變神聖; 這張批 tō 是告白 lah.

今我有病; 有可能病死, 因為我一直預感我會短命. 阮老母死 tī 肺病, 我自來 ê 生活方式, 更加可能得著阮老母遺傳予我 ê 這種病. 毋過我袂使無 kā 你講清楚我 ê 代誌 tō 死去; 也 tō 是講, 假使轉來 ê 時, 你 nā 猶有關心這个 tī 離開進前所愛 ê 姑娘.

批 ê 內面寫 ê 代誌, tī 下面我會 koh kā 寫一遍, án-ne 會當替我 koh 一改留一个證據.

會記得無, Armand? 咱 tī Bougival ê 時, 恁老爸來 ê 消息予咱偌 nī 著驚; 你會記得伊來予我 ê 驚惶, kap 你 tī 暗時講予我聽你 kap 伊中間 ê 代誌無?

第二工你 koh 去 Paris 等恁老爸, 你等無伊轉去, 彼時, 有一个人來我蹛 ê 厝, 交予我一張恁老爸寫 ê 批.

彼張批我 kā 附 tī 遮, 批內底用上嚴肅 ê 口氣叫我隔工著用某種理由 kā 你騙開, án-ne 通見恁老爸, 伊有話欲 kā 我講, koh 叫我這攏袂使予你知影.

你會記得你轉來了, 我一直堅持隔工你著 koh 去 Paris 一逝.

你離開一點鐘了後, 恁老爸隨踏跤到. 伊 ê 面色偌 nī 嚴肅我毋免 koh 講. 恁老爸有一種老觀念, 認為趁食查某攏是無心肝, 無情理 ê 人, tō ná 會食錢 ê 機器, 連 kā 飼錢 ê 手 mā 欲食, kā 研甲碎糊糊, 無同情, 無分別你是操作 ê 人抑毋是.

恁老爸為著欲我同意見伊, 有寫一張真客氣 ê 批; 伊來了無表現甲 hiah-nī 客氣. 伊 ê 態度一開始真硬, 真粗魯, 甚至用威脅, 我著 kā 講予知, 這是 tī 我 ê 厝, 若毋是為著我對 in 囝有真心 ê 感情, 我無需要 kap 伊 tī 遮檢討我 ê 私生活.

Duval 先生有小可較平靜 lah, 毋過猶是講, 伊毋准 in 後生為著我來敗家; 我真媠, 這是真, 毋過毋管我偌媠, 我袂使利用我 ê 媠色來破壞少年人 ê 前途, 害伊為我 án-ne 開錢.

為著這, 干焦需要做一項, 證明予看, 自從做你 ê 情婦以來, 我做出種種犧牲, 對你忠實, 毋 bat 要求過你該付 ê 錢. 我予看我 ê 當票, kap 無法度當只好賣掉 ê 物件 ê 收據; 我 kā 講, 我決定變賣家具來還債, 以便 kap 你生活毋免有 siuⁿ 重 ê 負擔. 我 kā 講咱 ê 幸福, kap 你 kā 講 ê, án-ne 咱有可能有一个較安靜, 較快樂 ê 生活, 後來, 伊承認 chiah-ê 證據, 伸手予我, 叫我原諒伊一開始對我所用 ê 態度.

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Chapter 25 

25.1

Armand, tired by this long narrative, often interrupted by his tears, put his two hands over his forehead and closed his eyes to think, or to try to sleep, after giving me the pages written by the hand of Marguerite. A few minutes after, a more rapid breathing told me that Armand slept, but that light sleep which the least sound banishes. 

This is what I read; I copy it without adding or omitting a syllable: 

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To-day is the 15th December. I have been ill three or four days. This morning I stayed in bed. The weather is dark, I am sad; there is no one by me. I think of you, Armand. And you, where are you, while I write these lines? Far from Paris, far, far, they tell me, and perhaps you have already forgotten Marguerite. Well, be happy; I owe you the only happy moments in my life. 

I can not help wanting to explain all my conduct to you, and I have written you a letter; but, written by a girl like me, such a letter might seem to be a lie, unless death had sanctified it by its authority, and, instead of a letter, it were a confession. 

To-day I am ill; I may die of this illness, for I have always had the presentiment that I shall die young. My mother died of consumption, and the way I have always lived could but increase the only heritage she ever left me. But I do not want to die without clearing up for you everything about me; that is, if, when you come back, you will still trouble yourself about the poor girl whom you loved before you went away. 

This is what the letter contained; I shall like writing it over again, so as to give myself another proof of my own justification. 

You remember, Armand, how the arrival of your father surprised us at Bougival; you remember the involuntary fright that his arrival caused me, and the scene which took place between you and him, which you told me of in the evening. 

Next day, when you were at Paris, waiting for your father, and he did not return, a man came to the door and handed in a letter from M. Duval. 

His letter, which I inclose with this, begged me, in the most serious terms, to keep you away on the following day, on some excuse or other, and to see your father, who wished to speak to me, and asked me particularly not to say anything to you about it. 

You know how I insisted on your returning to Paris next day. 

You had only been gone an hour when your father presented himself. I won't say what impression his severe face made upon me. Your father had the old theory that a courtesan is a being without heart or reason, a sort of machine for coining gold, always ready, like the machine, to bruise the hand that gives her everything, and to tear in pieces, without pity or discernment, those who set her in motion. 

Your father had written me a very polite letter, in order that I might consent to see him; he did not present himself quite as he had written. His manner at first was so stiff, insolent, and even threatening, that I had to make him understand that I was in my own house, and that I had no need to render him an account of my life, except because of the sincere affection which I had for his son. 

M. Duval calmed down a little, but still went on to say that he could not any longer allow his son to ruin himself over me; that I was beautiful, it was true, but, however beautiful I might be, I ought not to make use of my beauty to spoil the future of a young man by such expenditure as I was causing. 

At that there was only one thing to do, to show him the proof that since I was your mistress I had spared no sacrifice to be faithful to you without asking for more money than you had to give me. I showed him the pawn tickets, the receipts of the people to whom I had sold what I could not pawn; I told him of my resolve to part with my furniture in order to pay my debts, and live with you without being a too heavy expense. I told him of our happiness, of how you had shown me the possibility of a quieter and happier life, and he ended by giving in to the evidence, offering me his hand, and asking pardon for the way in which he had at first approached me. 

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