15.3 你是我所追求 ê 查埔

15.3 Lí sī góa só͘ tui-kiû ê cha-po͘

"Goán m̄-sī goán ka-tī ê. Goán siáⁿ lóng m̄-sī, chí-sī mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Goán ài khiā thâu-chêng ūi in ê  chun-giâm, bē-sái kò͘ ka-tī ê chun-giâm. Goán mā ū goán ê pêng-iú, tō ná-chhiūⁿ Prudence hit-khoán pêng-iú, kòe-khì in mā-sī hông pau-chhī, taⁿ iáu-sī chhiú-phāng-se, m̄-koh in-ūi nî-kí ê koan-hē tńg-se̍h bē-lâi, in tō lâi chò goán ê pêng-iú, chò goán toh-téng ê lâng-kheh. Kap in chò pêng-iú, ē-tàng ū-lâng thang tàu saⁿ-kāng, m̄-koh bô kàu ē-tàng kau-sim ê thêng-tō͘. In hō͘ lí ê kiàn-gī chóng-sī ūi-tio̍h thàn tōa-chîⁿ. In m̄-koán lí sī-m̄-sī tio̍h ke kau cha̍p ê chêng-jîn, chí-iàu in ē-tàng án-ne ùi hia thàn-tio̍h ho̍k-chong a̍h-sī kim-se̍k, ē-tàng tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ tah goán ê bé-chhia a̍h-sī chē ji̍p goán tī kio̍k-tiûⁿ ê pau-siuⁿ. In the̍h cháu goán chêng mê ê hoe-sok, chioh goán ê moa-kin. In nā thè goán chò siáⁿ tāi-chì, m̄-koán gōa sè, lóng tio̍h hō͘ in siang-pōe ê siā-lé. Hit àm lí ū khòaⁿ tio̍h, Prudence thè góa khì kong-chiok hia the̍h-lâi la̍k-chheng franc, i sûi kā góa chioh gō͘-pah franc, che i tiāⁿ-tio̍h bē hêng, i mā ū khó-lêng iōng bō-á lâi hêng, m̄-koh he bē sī ùi a̍p-á the̍h chhut-lâi ê sin bō-á.

"Só͘-í, góan, a̍h-sī kóng góa, kan-ta khó-lêng ū chi̍t-chióng hēng-hok, tō-sī chhōe chi̍t ê tē-ūi koân ê cha-po͘; góa ū-sî siong-sim, koh chhiâng-chāi phòa-pēⁿ, su-iàu chit-chióng cha-po͘, i bē chhì-thàm góa ê seng-oa̍h, i ài góa, sī in-ūi góa ê kám-chêng, m̄-sī in-ūi góa ê sin-khu. Kong-chiok tō sī chit-khoán lâng; m̄-koh kong-chiok siuⁿ lāu, lāu-kah bô hoat-tō͘ pó-hō͘, mā bô hoat-tō͘ an-ùi. Pún-lâi góa siūⁿ-kóng ē-tàng chiap-siū i an-pâi ê seng-oa̍h; m̄-koh án-ne iáu ū siáⁿ? Góa oa̍h-boeh bô-liâu--sí. Lâng nā boeh án-ne chiat-bôa lâi sí, put-jû thiàu-ji̍p hóe-tui, khì hō͘ thòaⁿ-hóe sio--sí.

"Chit sî, góa tú-tio̍h lí, siàu-liân, jia̍t-chêng, góa siūⁿ-kóng lí sī góa bīn-chhiò sim-pi seng-oa̍h tiong só͘ tui-kiû ê cha-po͘. Góa ài ê m̄-sĪ taⁿ ê lí, sī lí boeh chiâⁿ-chò ê lí. M̄-koh lí m̄ chiap-siū chit ê kak-sEk, lí jīn-Ûi che bô ha̍h lí tō kā kī-choa̍t; án-ne, lí mā-sī chi̍t ê pho͘-thong chêng-jîn ah. Lí tō kap pa̍t-lâng kāng-khoán hó lah, hù chÎⁿ hō͘ góa, bián kóng siáⁿ."

Kóng chiah-ê ōe liáu, Marguerite thiám-kah theⁿ lo̍h tī phòng-í téng, iōng chhiú-kin-á om i sió-khóa teh khí-sàu ê chhùi, koh kā sóa khì chhit i ê ba̍k-chiu.

"Goân-liōng, goân-liōng," góa kē-siaⁿ nauh, "Che góa lóng liáu-kái, m̄-koh góa mā goān-ì thiaⁿ lí kóng, góa chhin-ài ê Marguerite. Lóng kā pàng-bē-kì, kan-ta kì-chū: lán bē koh hun-lī, lán iáu siàu-liân, lán sio ì-ài. Marguerite, góa kì-chāi lí, góa sī lí ê lô-po̍k, lí ê káu; m̄-koh khòaⁿ chāi thiⁿ-kong ê bīn, pài-thok lí kā góa siá ê phe liah tiāu, mài hō͘ góa bîn-á-chài tio̍h lī-khui lí, nā-bô, góa ē sí."

Marguerite ùi heng-chêng gîm-chhut hit tiuⁿ phe, tián-chhut bû-hān tiⁿ-bit ê chhiò-iông, ná kā phe kau hō͘ góa, ná kóng:

"Phe tī chia, góa ū chah lâi."

Góa kā phe liah chhùi-chhùi, kâm ba̍k-sái khì chim the̍h phe hō͘ góa ê chhiú.

Chit sî, Prudence koh chhut-hiān ah.

"Prudence, lí kám chai i iau-kiû góa siáⁿ?" Marguerite mn̄g i.

"I chhiáⁿ lí goân-liōng i."

"Oân-choân chèng-khak."

"Lí ū goân-liōng i bô?"

"Tong-jiân; m̄-koh i iau-kiû put-chí án-ne niâ."

"Iáu ū siáⁿ?"

"I boeh hām lán chò-hóe chia̍h siau-iā."

"Lí ū tông-ì bô?"

"Lí khòaⁿ án-chóaⁿ?"

"Góa khòaⁿ lín nn̄g-ê lóng iáu sī gín-á, lóng chiâⁿ kó͘-chui; Taⁿ góa mā kám-kak chin iau ah, lí nā lú kín tông-ì i, lán tō ē-tàng lú kín lâi khai-sí chia̍h siau-iā."

"Hó, kiâⁿ lah," Marguerite kóng, "góa ê bé-chhia chē saⁿ-ê bô būn-tê."

"Kì tio̍h," i koh oa̍t-thâu kă kóng, "Nanine boeh khì khùn ah. Lí hū-chek khui-mn̂g; góa ê só-sî hō͘ lí the̍h tio̍h, m̄-thang phah bô khì."

Góa ân-ân kā Marguerite siâm tio̍h, siâm-kah i hiám-á bē chhoán-khùi.

Chit sî, Joseph ji̍p-lâi.

"Sian-siⁿ," i iông-iông tek-ì kóng, "hêng-lí lóng khoán hó ah."

"Lóng hó ah?"

"Sī lah, sian-siⁿ"

"Nā án-ne, lóng koh tháu-khui, góa m̄-khì ah."

--

15.3 你是我所追求 ê 查埔

"阮毋是阮家己 ê. 阮啥攏毋是, 只是物件. 阮愛徛頭前為 in ê 尊嚴, 袂使顧家己 ê 尊嚴. 阮 mā 有阮 ê 朋友, tō 若像 Prudence 彼款朋友, 過去 in mā 是 hông 包飼, 今猶是手縫疏, 毋過因為年紀 ê 關係轉 se̍h 袂來, in tō 來做阮 ê 朋友, 做阮桌頂 ê 人客. Kap in 做朋友, 會當有人通鬥相共, 毋過無到會當交心 ê 程度. In 予你 ê 建議總是為著趁大錢. In 毋管你是毋是著加交十个情人, 只要 in 會當 án-ne ùi 遐趁著服裝抑是金飾, 會當定定搭阮 ê 馬車抑是坐入阮 tī 劇場 ê 包廂. In 提走阮前暝 ê 花束, 借阮 ê 幔巾. In nā 替阮做啥代誌, 毋管偌細, 攏著予 in 雙倍 ê 謝禮. 彼暗你有看著, Prudence 替我去公爵遐提來六千 franc, 伊隨 kā 我借五百 franc, 這伊定著袂還, 伊 mā 有可能用帽仔來還, 毋過彼袂是 ùi 盒仔提出來 ê 新帽仔.

"所以, 阮, 抑是講我, 干焦可能有一種幸福, tō 是揣一个地位懸 ê 查埔; 我有時傷心, koh 常在破病, 需要這種查埔, 伊袂試探我 ê 生活, 伊愛我, 是因為我 ê 感情, 毋是因為我 ê 身軀. 公爵 tō 是這款人; 毋過公爵傷老, 老甲無法度保護, mā 無法度安慰. 本來我想講會當接受伊安排 ê 生活; 毋過 án-ne 猶有啥? 我活欲無聊死. 人 nā 欲 án-ne 折磨來死, 不如跳入火堆, 去予炭火燒死.

"這時, 我拄著你, 少年, 熱情, 我想講你是我面笑心悲生活中所追求 ê 查埔. 我愛 ê 毋是今 ê 你, 是你欲成做 ê 你. 毋過你毋接受這个角色, 你認為這無合你 tō kā 拒絕; án-ne, 你 mā 是一个普通情人 ah. 你 tō kap 別人仝款好 lah, 付錢予我, 免講啥."

講 chiah-ê 話了, Marguerite 忝甲撐落 tī 膨椅頂, 用手巾仔掩伊小可 teh 起嗽 ê 喙, koh kā 徙去拭伊 ê 目睭.

"原諒, 原諒," 我低聲 nauh, "這我攏了解, 毋過我 mā 願意聽你講, 我親愛 ê Marguerite. 攏 kā 放袂記, 干焦記住: 咱袂 koh 分離, 咱猶少年, 咱相意愛. Marguerite, 我據在你, 我是你 ê 勞僕, 你 ê 狗; 毋過看在天公 ê 面, 拜託你 kā 我寫 ê 批 liah 掉, 莫予我明仔載著離開你, nā 無, 我會死."

Marguerite ùi 胸前扲出彼張批, 展出無限甜蜜 ê 笑容, ná kā 批交予我, ná 講:

"批 tī 遮, 我有扎來."

我 kā 批 liah 碎碎, 含目屎去唚提批予我 ê 手.

這時, Prudence koh 出現 ah.

"Prudence, 你敢知伊要求我啥?" Marguerite 問伊.

"她請你原諒伊."

"完全正確."

"你有原諒伊無?"

"當然; 毋過伊要求不只 án-ne niâ."

"猶有啥?"

"伊欲和咱做伙食宵夜."

"你有同意無?"

"你看按怎?"

"我看恁兩个攏猶是囡仔, 攏誠古錐; 今我 mā 感覺真 iau ah, 你 nā 愈緊同意伊, 咱 tō 會當愈緊來開始食宵夜."

"好, 行 lah," Marguerite 講, "我 ê 馬車坐三个無問題."

"記著," 伊 koh 越頭 kă 講, "Nanine 欲去睏 ah. 你負責開門; 我 ê 鎖匙予你提著, 毋通拍無去."

我絚絚 kā Marguerite 尋著, 尋甲伊險仔袂喘氣.

這時, Joseph 入來.

"先生," 伊洋洋得意講, "行李攏款好 ah."

"攏好 ah?"

"是 lah, 先生"

"Nā án-ne, 攏 koh tháu 開, 我毋去 ah."

--

 15.3

"We no longer belong to ourselves. We are no longer beings, but things. We stand first in their self-esteem, last in their esteem. We have women who call themselves our friends, but they are friends like Prudence, women who were once kept and who have still the costly tastes that their age does not allow them to gratify. Then they become our friends, or rather our guests at table. Their friendship is carried to the point of servility, never to that of disinterestedness. Never do they give you advice which is not lucrative. It means little enough to them that we should have ten lovers extra, as long as they get dresses or a bracelet out of them, and that they can drive in our carriage from time to time or come to our box at the theatre. They have our last night's bouquets, and they borrow our shawls. They never render us a service, however slight, without seeing that they are paid twice its value. You yourself saw when Prudence brought me the six thousand francs that I had asked her to get from the duke, how she borrowed five hundred francs, which she will never pay me back, or which she will pay me in hats, which will never be taken out of their boxes. 

"We can not, then, have, or rather I can not have more than one possible kind of happiness, and this is, sad as I sometimes am, suffering as I always am, to find a man superior enough not to ask questions about my life, and to be the lover of my impressions rather than of my body. Such a man I found in the duke; but the duke is old, and old age neither protects nor consoles. I thought I could accept the life which he offered me; but what would you have? I was dying of ennui, and if one is bound to be consumed, it is as well to throw oneself into the flames as to be asphyxiated with charcoal. 

"Then I met you, young, ardent, happy, and I tried to make you the man I had longed for in my noisy solitude. What I loved in you was not the man who was, but the man who was going to be. You do not accept the position, you reject it as unworthy of you; you are an ordinary lover. Do like the others; pay me, and say no more about it." 

Marguerite, tired out with this long confession, threw herself back on the sofa, and to stifle a slight cough put up her handkerchief to her lips, and from that to her eyes. 

"Pardon, pardon," I murmured. "I understood it all, but I wanted to have it from your own lips, my beloved Marguerite. Forget the rest and remember only one thing: that we belong to one another, that we are young, and that we love. Marguerite, do with me as you will; I am your slave, your dog, but in the name of heaven tear up the letter which I wrote to you and do not make me leave you to-morrow; it would kill me." 

Marguerite drew the letter from her bosom, and handing it to me with a smile of infinite sweetness, said: 

"Here it is. I have brought it back."

I tore the letter into fragments and kissed with tears the hand that gave it to me. 

At this moment Prudence reappeared.

"Look here, Prudence; do you know what he wants?" said Marguerite. 

"He wants you to forgive him." 

"Precisely."

"And you do?"

"One has to; but he wants more than that." 

"What, then?" 

"He wants to have supper with us." 

"And do you consent?" 

"What do you think?" 

"I think that you are two children who haven't an atom of sense between you; but I also think that I am very hungry, and that the sooner you consent the sooner we shall have supper." 

"Come," said Marguerite, "there is room for the three of us in my carriage." 

"By the way," she added, turning to me, "Nanine will be gone to bed. You must open the door; take my key, and try not to lose it again." 

I embraced Marguerite until she was almost stifled.

Thereupon Joseph entered. 

"Sir," he said, with the air of a man who is very well satisfied with himself, "the luggage is packed." 

"All of it?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, then, unpack it again; I am not going." 

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