14.3 Góa ū siáⁿ khoân-lī hiām tang hiām sai
"Sī
án-chóaⁿ Marguerite khì ê ūi góa mā ài khì?"
"In-ūi
lí sī i ê chêng-jîn ah, kám m̄-sī?"
"Siáng
kā lí kóng ê?"
"Prudence,
cha-hng góa tú tio̍h i. Kiong-hí oh, góa chhin-ài ê pêng-iú ah; i sī chin
bê-lâng ê chêng-hū, m̄-sī ta̍k-ê lóng ū hit-lō ki-hōe. Ài kā kò͘ hō͘ tiâu; i ē
hō͘ lí chin thé-biān."
Gaston
kóng chiah-ê ōe piáu-hiān chhut góa ê to-gî sī gōa-nī hàm-kó͘. Cha-àm góa nā ū
tú-tio̍h i, i nā ū án-ne kă kóng tō hó lah, nā án-ne góa choa̍t-tùi bē siá chá-khí
hit tiuⁿ gōng phe lah.
Góa
siūⁿ boeh kóaⁿ-kín khì Prudence in tau, boeh chhiáⁿ i khì kā Marguerite kóng,
góa ū ōe boeh kā kóng; m̄-koh góa iū kiaⁿ i ē pò-ho̍k góa, kóng i bô-boeh khòaⁿ
góa; chū án-ne, góa tō seng kiâⁿ-lō͘ kòe d'Antin Ke, chiah tńg-chhù. Góa
koh-chài mn̄g kò͘-mnn̂g--ê, ū góa ê phe bô. Bô! Khì khùn ê sî, góa ka-tī án-ne
siūⁿ: I tāi-khài teh tán, khòaⁿ góa ū siáⁿ sin pō͘-sò͘, khòaⁿ góa sī-m̄-sī hiō-hóe
kin-á-ji̍t kià ê hit tiuⁿ phe. Nā tán bô góa koh siá phe hō͘ i, bîn-á-chài i tō
ē siá hō͘ góa.
Hit àm, góa koh khah sī hoán-hóe góa só͘ chò ê
tāi-chì. Góa ko͘-toaⁿ, khùn bē khì, sim-lāi chhiong-moa chhau-hoân kap oàn-tò͘.
Tong-chhe nā hō͘ tāi-chì chū-jiân hoat-tián, chit-chūn góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī kap
Marguerite chò-hóe, thiaⁿ i kap góa kóng tiⁿ-bit ê ōe-gí, he góa kan-ta
thiaⁿ-kòe nn̄g àm, ka-tī chi̍t ê siūⁿ-tio̍h che, góa ê hīⁿ-khang iáu ê sio.
Chit
ê chōng-hóng siōng khó-phà ê sī: phòaⁿ-toān ê kiat-kó, m̄-tio̍h ê sī góa;
sū-si̍t siōng, hāng-hāng lóng chèng-bêng, Marguerite sī chin-sim ài góa. Tē-it,
i thê-gî kap góa khì chng-kha kòe joa̍h-thiⁿ, tē-jī, bô siáⁿ lí-iû i tio̍h lâi
chò góa ê chêng-hū, góa ê siu-ji̍p bô-kàu i ê su-iàu, liân hō͘ i chò lan-san-chîⁿ
to bô-kàu. Tùi i lâi kóng, tî-liáu hi-bāng tī góa sin--siōng chhōe-tio̍h
chin-sim ê ài-chêng í-gōa, koh bô pa̍t-hāng ē-tàng hō͘ i tī seng-oa̍h tiong
hiah-ê siong-gia̍p-hóa ê ài-chêng nih sió hioh-khùn leh. m̄-koh chiah keh-kang,
góa tō kā phah-phòa chit-ê hi-bāng, koh iōng pháiⁿ-thia ê khau-sé lâi pò-tap i
hō͘ góa nn̄g mê ê un-jiû. Góa só͘ chò ê m̄-nā hó-chhiò, koh chiok chho͘-ló͘.
Góa liân chi̍t sén chîⁿ to m̄-bat hō͘ chit ê cha-bó͘, iáu ū siáⁿ khoân-lī hiâm-tang
hiâm-sai? chò-hóe chiah nn̄g kang tō thè-chhut, án-ne kám m̄-sī ài-chêng ê
kià-seⁿ-thâng? kám sī kiaⁿ ài hù-chî chhiáⁿ chia̍h-pn̄g? Lí khòaⁿ! Góa bat i
kàu taⁿ chiah saⁿ-cha̍p la̍k sió-sî, chò i ê chêng-jîn chiah kan-ta jī-cha̍p sì
sió-sî, tō teh kap i kek-khùi! Góa m̄-nā bô in-ūi i pun-tiuⁿ i só͘-ū--ê hō͘ góa,
lâi kám-kak hoaⁿ-hí, soah siūⁿ boeh to̍k-chiàm i hō͘ góa ka-tī, kiò i tio̍h
chhiat-tēng kòe-khì chióng-chióng ê koan-hē, hiah-ê koan-he sī i chiong-lâi
seng-oa̍h ê kin-goân. Góa ū siáⁿ chu-keh thang chek-pī i neh? Bô, lóng bô! I
siá phe kóng i lâng bô chheng-chhái; kî-sit i mā ē-tàng chhiūⁿ hiah-ê ok-to̍k tōa-táⁿ
ê cha-bó͘ kāng-khoán, si̍t-si̍t chân-jím kā góa kóng, i tio̍h khì khòaⁿ pa̍t-ê
chêng-jîn. Góa m̄-nā bô boeh siong-sìn i siá ê phe, bô boeh khì tî-liáu d'Antin
Ke í-góa ê Paris ke-lō͘ se̍h, bô boeh kap pêng-iú chò-hòe kòe àm-sî, tē-jī kang
chiah chún-sî khì hù iak-hōe, góa soah teh poaⁿ Othello ê kak-sek, khì
chhì-thàm i ê hêng-tōng, siūⁿ boeh lī-iōng mài-koh kìⁿ i lâi chhú-hoat i.
M̄-koh, tian-tò-péng, chit ê hun-khui i tio̍h kám-kak hoaⁿ-hí. I it-tēng
hoat-hiān góa sī chiah-nī gōng-tai, só͘-í i tèⁿ tiām-tiām, m̄-sī in-ūi oàn-hīn,
sī in-ūi i khòaⁿ góa bô lah.
Góa
pún-chiâⁿ ē-táng sàng chi̍t ê lé-bu̍t hó͘ Marguerite, piáu-sī góa ê khóng-khài,
mā án-ne hó͘ góa kám-kak chèng-sek kap chit ê thàn-chia̍h cha-bó͘ hun-chhiú,
m̄-koh put-koán án-chóaⁿ bô kim-chîⁿ kau-ōaⁿ ê hun-jiah, góa kám-kak án-ne sī
chi̍t-chióng bú-jio̍k, mài-kóng i hō͘ góa ê ài, siōng bô ē bú-jio̍k tio̍h góa
hō͘ i ê ài, in-ūi hit-ê ài sī haih-nī sûn-kiat, i bô hoat-tō͘ kap pa̍t-lâng
pun-pheⁿ, bô hoat-tō͘ iōng gōa kùi-tāng ê lé-but lâi kau-ōaⁿ hit-ê khoài-lo̍k,
sui-jiân hit-ê khoài-lo̍k sī hiat-nī té.
Che
tō-sī góa kui-mê siūⁿ ê, mā-sī góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh kā Marguerite kóng ê. Thiⁿ
kng, góa iáu bē ài-khùn. Góa hoat-sio. Góa kan-ta chi̍t-sim teh siàu-liām
Marguerite.
--
14.3
"是按怎
Marguerite 去 ê 位我 mā 愛去?"
"因為你是伊 ê 情人
ah, 敢毋是?"
"Siáng
kā 你講 ê?"
"Prudence,
昨昏我拄著伊. 恭喜 oh, 我親愛 ê 朋友
ah; 伊是真迷人 ê 情婦, 毋是逐个攏有彼號機會. 愛 kā
顧予牢; 伊會予你真體面."
Gaston
講 chiah-ê 話表現出我 ê 多疑是
gōa-nī 譀古. 昨暗我 nā 有拄著伊, 伊 nā
有 án-ne kă 講 tō
好 lah, nā án-ne 我絕對袂寫早起彼張戇批
lah.
我想欲趕緊去
Prudence in 兜, 欲請伊去 kā Marguerite 講, 我有話欲 kā
講; 毋過我又驚伊會報復我, 講伊無欲看我; 自
án-ne, 我 tō 先行路過
d'Antin 街, 才轉厝. 我閣再問顧門 ê, 有我 ê 批無. 無! 去睏 ê 時, 我家己
án-ne 想: 伊大概 teh 等, 看我有啥新步數, 看我是毋是後悔今仔日寄 ê 彼張批.
Nā 等無我 koh 寫批予伊, 明仔載伊 tō
會寫予我.
彼暗, 我閣較是反悔我所做 ê 代誌. 我孤單, 睏袂去, 心內充滿操煩
kap 怨妒. 當初 nā 予代誌自然發展, 這陣我定著是
kap Marguerite 做伙, 聽伊 kap 我講甜蜜 ê 話語, 彼我干焦聽過兩暗, 家己一个想著這, 我 ê 耳空猶會燒.
這个狀況上可怕 ê 是: 判斷 ê 結果, 毋著 ê 是我; 事實上, 項項攏證明,
Marguerite 是真心愛我. 第一, 伊提議 kap 我去庄跤過熱天, 第二, 無啥理由伊著來做我 ê 情婦, 我 ê 收入無夠伊 ê 需要, 連予伊做零星錢 to
無夠. 對伊來講, 除了希望 tī
我身上揣著真心 ê 愛情以外, koh 無別項會當予伊 tī
生活中 hiah-ê 商業化 ê 愛情
nih 小歇睏 leh. 毋過才隔工, 我 tō
kā 拍破這个希望, koh 用歹聽 ê 剾洗來報答伊予我兩暝 ê 溫柔. 我所做 ê 毋但好笑,
koh 足粗魯. 我連一 sén 錢 to
毋 bat 予這个查某, 猶有啥權利嫌東嫌西? 做伙才兩工 tō
退出, án-ne 敢毋是愛情 ê 寄生蟲? 敢是驚愛付錢請食飯? 你看! 我捌伊到今才三十六小時, 做伊 ê 情人才干焦二十四小時,
tō teh kap 伊激氣! 我毋但無因為伊分張伊所有 ê 予我, 來感覺歡喜, 煞想欲獨佔伊予我家己, 叫伊著切斷過去種種 ê 關係,
hiah-ê 關係是伊將來生活 ê 根源. 我有啥資格通責備伊 neh? 無, 攏無! 伊寫批講伊人無清彩; 其實伊 mā
會當像 hiah-ê 惡毒大膽 ê 查某仝款, 實實殘忍 kā
我講, 伊著去看別个情人. 我毋但無欲相信伊寫 ê 批, 無欲去除了
d'Antin 街以外 ê Paris 街路
se̍h, 無欲 kap 朋友做伙過暗時, 第二工才準時去赴約會, 我煞
teh 搬 Othello ê 角色, 去試探伊 ê 行動, 想欲利用莫
koh 見伊來處罰伊. 毋過, 顛倒反, 這个分開伊著感覺歡喜. 伊一定發現我是
chiah-nī 戇呆, 所以伊 tèⁿ 恬恬, 毋是因為怨恨, 是因為伊看我無
lah.
我本成會當送一个禮物予 Marguerite,
表示我 ê 慷慨, mā án-ne 予我感覺正式
kap 這个趁食查某分手, 毋過不管按怎無金錢交換 ê 痕跡, 我感覺
án-ne 是一種侮辱, 莫講伊予我 ê 愛, 上無會侮辱著我予伊 ê 愛, 因為彼个愛是
haih-nī 純潔, 伊無法度 kap 別人分
pheⁿ, 無法度用偌貴重 ê 禮物來交換彼个快樂, 雖然彼个快樂是
hiat-nī 短.
這 tō
是我想規暝, mā 是我一直想欲 kā
Marguerite 講 ê. 天光, 我猶袂愛睏. 我發燒. 我干焦一心
teh 數念 Marguerite.
--
14.3
"But why should I go where Marguerite goes?"
"Because you are her lover, surely!"
"Who told you that?"
"Prudence, whom I met yesterday. I give you my congratulations, my dear fellow; she is a charming mistress, and it isn't everybody who has the chance. Stick to her; she will do you credit."
These simple reflections of Gaston showed me how absurd had been my susceptibilities. If I had only met him the night before and he had spoken to me like that, I should certainly not have written the foolish letter which I had written.
I was on the point of calling on Prudence, and of sending her to tell Marguerite that I wanted to speak to her; but I feared that she would revenge herself on me by saying that she could not see me, and I returned home, after passing through the Rue d'Antin. Again I asked my porter if there was a letter for me. Nothing! She is waiting to see if I shall take some fresh step, and if I retract my letter of to-day, I said to myself as I went to bed; but, seeing that I do not write, she will write to me to-morrow.
That night, more than ever, I reproached myself for what I had done. I was alone, unable to sleep, devoured by restlessness and jealousy, when by simply letting things take their natural course I should have been with Marguerite, hearing the delicious words which I had heard only twice, and which made my ears burn in my solitude.
The most frightful part of the situation was that my judgment was against me; as a matter of fact, everything went to prove that Marguerite loved me. First, her proposal to spend the summer with me in the country, then the certainty that there was no reason why she should be my mistress, since my income was insufficient for her needs and even for her caprices. There could not then have been on her part anything but the hope of finding in me a sincere affection, able to give her rest from the mercenary loves in whose midst she lived; and on the very second day I had destroyed this hope, and paid by impertinent irony for the love which I had accepted during two nights. What I had done was therefore not merely ridiculous, it was indelicate. I had not even paid the woman, that I might have some right to find fault with her; withdrawing after two days, was I not like a parasite of love, afraid of having to pay the bill of the banquet? What! I had only known Marguerite for thirty-six hours; I had been her lover for only twenty-four; and instead of being too happy that she should grant me all that she did, I wanted to have her all to myself, and to make her sever at one stroke all her past relations which were the revenue of her future. What had I to reproach in her? Nothing. She had written to say she was unwell, when she might have said to me quite crudely, with the hideous frankness of certain women, that she had to see a lover; and, instead of believing her letter, instead of going to any street in Paris except the Rue d'Antin, instead of spending the evening with my friends, and presenting myself next day at the appointed hour, I was acting the Othello, spying upon her, and thinking to punish her by seeing her no more. But, on the contrary, she ought to be enchanted at this separation. She ought to find me supremely foolish, and her silence was not even that of rancour; it was contempt.
I might have made Marguerite a present which would leave no doubt as to my generosity and permit me to feel properly quits of her, as of a kept woman, but I should have felt that I was offending by the least appearance of trafficking, if not the love which she had for me, at all events the love which I had for her, and since this love was so pure that it could admit no division, it could not pay by a present, however generous, the happiness that it had received, however short that happiness had been.
That is what I said to myself all night long, and what I was every moment prepared to go and say to Marguerite. When the day dawned I was still sleepless. I was in a fever. I could think of nothing but Marguerite.
--
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