14.4 明仔載欲離開

14.4 Bîn-á-chài boeh lī-khui

Lí mā siūⁿ ē tio̍h, chit-sî tō ài chò-chhut koat-tēng: nā m̄-sī kap chit-ê cha-bó͘ kiat-sok, tō-sī bē-sái koh hiah-nī ku-mo͘, jû-kó i goān-ì koh kìⁿ góa. M̄-koh, lí mā chai, chò koat-tēng chóng-sī bô hiah-nī bêng-khoài; só͘-tì, tiàm chhù-nih tòa bē tiâu, iū-koh m̄-káⁿ khì Marguerite in tau, góa tō chhì-thàm kap i hô-hó ê hong-hiòng, chit-ê chhì-thàm nā sêng-kong, góa kan-ta ē-tàng kā khòaⁿ-chò sī hó-ūn.

Káu tiám ah, góa sûi chhut-khì chhōe Prudence, i mn̄g góa, chiah chá lâi chhōe i ūi siáⁿ-tāi. Góa m̄-káⁿ láu-si̍t kā kóng góa lâi ê bo̍k-tek, tō kā ìn kóng, góa chiah chá chhut-lâi, sī siūⁿ-boeh bé kong-kiōng bé-chhia ê chhia-phiò khì C siâⁿ-chhī, goán lāu-pē tòa tī hia.

"Lí chiâⁿ hó-ūn," i kóng, "ē-tàng tī chiah hó ê thiⁿ-khì lī-khui Paris."

Góa lia̍h Prudence kim-kim khòaⁿ, sim-nih siūⁿ, i sī-m̄-sī teh chhiò góa, m̄-koh i ná chin chèng-keng.

"Lí kám boeh khì kap Marguerite kò-pia̍t?" i koh mn̄g, iáu sī hiah-nī chèng-keng.

"Bô-ài."

"Lí án-ne tio̍h."

"Lí mā án-ne siūⁿ?"

"Tong-jiân nò͘. Kì-jiân lí í-keng kap i hun-chhiú ah, ná tio̍h koh khì khòaⁿ i?"

"Lí chai goán hun-khui ah?"

"I the̍h lí ê phe hŏa khòaⁿ."

"I án-chóaⁿ kóng?"

"I kóng: Chhin-ài ê Prudence, lín hit-ê siàu-liân--ê chin bô-lé; chit-chióng phe ē-sái siūⁿ, bē-sái siá chhut-lâi."

"I iōng siáⁿ-khoán kháu-khì án-ne kóng?"

"Ná chhiò ná kóng, i koh kóng: I kap góa chò-hóe chia̍h nn̄g-kái siau-iā, lóng bô sòe-siā."

Che tō-sī góa hit tiuⁿ phe kap góa chia̍h-chhò͘ chō-sêng ê hāu-kó. Góa kám-chêng siōng ê chū-chun tōa-tōa siū-tio̍h siong-hāi.

"I cha-àm chhòng-siáⁿ?"

"I khì khòaⁿ-hì."

"He góa chai, āu-lâi neh?"

"Tńg chhù chia̍h siau-iā."

"Ka-tī chi̍t-ê?"

"Hām G pek-chiok, góa siūⁿ ê lah."

Án-ne kóng-lâi, góa ê phe kin-pún bô éng-hióng tio̍h i siáⁿ. Tō sī chiah-ê lí-iû, lâng ē kā lí kóng: M̄-thang koh khì siūⁿ hit-ê cha-bó͘ ah-lah; i kin-pún bô teh chhap lí.

"Hm, chai-iáⁿ Marguerite bô ūi-tio̍h góa teh siong-sim, góa chiâⁿ hoaⁿ-hí," góa án-ne kóng, kek chi̍t ê khó͘-chhiò.

"I ū chin hó ê lí-iû mài siong-sim. Lí í-keng chò-liáu lí tio̍h chò ê pō͘-hūn, lí pí i khah lí-tì. Marguerite sī chin-sim ài lí, i kan-ta it-ti̍t thê-khí lí. Góa m̄-chai, iáu ū siáⁿ tāi-chì i bô-khó-lêng khì chò."

"I nā ài góa, ná ē bô hôe-phe hō͘ góa?"

"In-ūi i taⁿ bêng-pe̍k, i bô eng-kai ài lí. Cha-bó͘-lâng ū-sî ín-chún lí tùi in ê ài put-tiong, m̄-koh in éng-oán put-chún lí siong-hāi in ê chū-chun. Hām chi̍t ê cha-bo͘ chò chêng-jîn kan-ta nn̄g-kang tō lī-khui, m̄-koán sī siáⁿ lí-iû, che tiāⁿ-tio̍h tōa-tōa siong-hāi tio̍h hit ê cha-bó͘ ê chū-chun-sim. Góa chiok liáu-kái Marguerite, i sí mā bē hôe-phe."

"Án-ne, góa boeh án-chóaⁿ hó?"

"Soah lah. I ē bē-kì-tit lí, lí mā bē-kì-tit i, nn̄g-lâng lóng m̄-bián bâi-oàn tùi-hong."

"Góa nā siá-phe chhiáⁿ i goân-liōng neh?"

"Sian tō m̄-thang, án-ne i ē goân-liōng lí."

Thiaⁿ tio̍h che, góa hiám-á tio̍h khì lám Prudence ê ām-kún.

Cha̍p-gō͘ hun-cheng liáu-āu, góa koh tńg-lâi kàu chhù, tō sûi siá-phe hō͘ Marguerite:

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"Ū chi̍t ê lâng hoán-hóe i cha-hng siá ê chi̍t tiuⁿ phe, lí nā bô goân-liōng i, i bîn-á-chài tō boeh lī-khui Paris; i siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ siáⁿ-mih sî-chūn i ē-sái kūi tī lí ê kha chêng kā lí chhàm-hóe.

"Lí siáⁿ-mih sî-chūn ē-tàng tan-to̍k kìⁿ i? lí chai, chhàm-hóe ê sî put-chún ū pa̍t-lâng chāi-tiûⁿ."

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Góa kā chit tiuⁿ iōng sàn-bûn siá ê chêng-si chih hó, phài Joseph sàng khì. I kā kau hō͘ Marguerite pún-lâng; Marguerite kóng, tán-leh i ē hôe-phe.

Góa kan-ta koh chhut-khì chhìn-chhái chia̍h chi̍t ê àm-tǹg, kàu àm-sî cha̍p-it tiám iáu bô hôe-phe. Góa koat-tēng m̄ koh lún ah, bîn-á-chài ài chhut-mn̂g. Án-ne koat-tēng liáu-āu, góa chai e-àm khì khùn mā choa̍t-tùi bē lo̍h-bîn, góa tō khai-sí khoán góa ê hêng-lí.

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14.4 明仔載欲離開

你 mā 想會著, 這時 tō 愛做出決定: nā 毋是 kap 這个查某結束, tō 是袂使 koh hiah-nī 龜毛, 如果伊願意 koh 見我. 毋過, 你 mā 知, 做決定總是無 hiah-nī 明快; 所致, 踮厝 nih 蹛袂牢, 又閣毋敢去 Marguerite in 兜, 我 tō 試探 kap 伊和好 ê 方向, 這个試探 nā 成功, 我干焦會當 kā 看做是好運.

九點 ah, 我隨出去揣 Prudence, 伊問我, chiah 早來揣伊為啥代. 我毋敢老實 kā 講我來 ê 目的, tō kā 應講, 我 chiah 早出來, 是想欲買公共馬車 ê 車票去 C 城市, 阮老爸蹛 tī 遐.

"你誠好運," 伊講, "會當 tī chiah 好 ê 天氣離開 Paris."

我掠 Prudence 金金看, 心 nih 想, 伊是毋是 teh 笑我, 毋過伊 ná 真正經.

"你敢欲去 kap Marguerite 告別?" 伊 koh 問, 猶是 hiah-nī 正經.

"無愛."

"你 án-ne 著."

"你 mā án-ne 想?"

"當然 nò͘. 既然你已經 kap 伊分手 ah, 那著 koh 去看伊?"

"你知阮分開 ah?"

"伊提你 ê 批 hőa 看."

"伊按怎講?"

"伊講: 親愛 ê Prudence, 恁彼个少年 ê 真無禮; 這種批會使想, 袂使寫出來."

"伊用啥款口氣 án-ne 講?"

"Ná 笑 ná 講, 伊 koh 講: 伊 kap 我做伙食兩改宵夜, 攏無說謝."

這 tō 是我彼張批 kap 我食醋造成 ê 效果. 我感情上 ê 自尊大大受著傷害.

"伊昨暗創啥?"

"伊去看戲."

"彼我知, 後來 neh?"

"轉厝食宵夜."

"家己一个?"

"和 G 伯爵, 我想 ê lah."

Án-ne 講來, 我 ê 批根本無影響著伊啥. Tō 是 chiah-ê 理由, 人會 kā 你講: 毋通 koh 去想彼个查某 ah-lah; 伊根本無 teh chhap 你.

"Hm, 知影 Marguerite 無為著我 teh 傷心, 我誠歡喜," 我 án-ne 講, 激一个苦笑.

"伊有真好 ê 理由莫傷心. 你已經做了你著做 ê 部分, 你比伊較理智. Marguerite 是真心愛你, 伊干焦一直提起你. 我毋知, 猶有啥代誌伊無可能去做."

"伊 nā 愛我, 那會無回批予我?"

"因為伊今明白, 伊無應該愛你. 查某人有時允准你對 in ê 愛不忠, 毋過 in 永遠不准你傷害 in ê 自尊. 和一个查某做情人干焦兩工 tō 離開, 毋管是啥理由, 這定著大大傷害著彼个查某 ê 自尊心. 我足了解 Marguerite, 伊死 mā 袂回批."

"Án-ne, 我欲按怎好?"

"煞 lah. 伊會袂記得你, 你 mā 袂記得伊, 兩人攏毋免埋怨對方."

"我 nā 寫批請伊原諒 neh?"

"仙 tō 毋通, án-ne 伊會原諒你."

聽著這, 我險仔著去攬 Prudence ê 頷頸.

十五分鐘了後, 我 koh 轉來到厝, tō 隨寫批予 Marguerite:

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"有一个人反悔伊昨昏寫 ê 一張批, 你 nā 無原諒伊, 伊明仔載 tō 欲離開 Paris; 伊想欲知影啥物時陣伊會使跪 tī 你 ê 跤前 kā 你懺悔.

"你啥物時陣會當單獨見伊? 你知, 懺悔 ê 時不准有別人在場."

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我 kā 這張用散文寫 ê 情詩摺好, 派 Joseph 送去. 伊 kā 交予 Marguerite 本人; Marguerite 講, 等 leh 伊會回批.

我干焦 koh 出去凊彩食一个暗頓, 到暗時十一點猶無回批. 我決定毋閣 lún ah, 明仔載愛出門. Án-ne 決定了後, 我知下暗去睏 mā 絕對袂落眠, 我 tō 開始款我 ê 行李.

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14.4

As you can imagine, it was time to take a decided step, and finish either with the woman or with one's scruples, if, that is, she would still be willing to see me. But you know well, one is always slow in taking a decided step; so, unable to remain within doors and not daring to call on Marguerite, I made one attempt in her direction, an attempt that I could always look upon as a mere chance if it succeeded. 

It was nine o'clock, and I went at once to call upon Prudence, who asked to what she owed this early visit. I dared not tell her frankly what brought me. I replied that I had gone out early in order to reserve a place in the diligence for C., where my father lived. 

"You are fortunate," she said, "in being able to get away from Paris in this fine weather." 

I looked at Prudence, asking myself whether she was laughing at me, but her face was quite serious. 

"Shall you go and say good-bye to Marguerite?" she continued, as seriously as before. 

"No."

"You are quite right."

"You think so?" 

"Naturally. Since you have broken with her, why should you see her again?" 

"You know it is broken off?"

"She showed me your letter."

"What did she say about it?" 

"She said: 'My dear Prudence, your protege is not polite; one thinks such letters, one does not write them."' 

"In what tone did she say that?"

"Laughingly, and she added: "He has had supper with me twice, and hasn't even called."' 

That, then, was the effect produced by my letter and my jealousy. I was cruelly humiliated in the vanity of my affection. 

"What did she do last night?" 

"She went to the opera."

"I know. And afterward?" 

"She had supper at home." 

"Alone?"

"With the Comte de G., I believe." 

So my breaking with her had not changed one of her habits. It is for such reasons as this that certain people say to you: Don't have anything more to do with the woman; she cares nothing about you. 

"Well, I am very glad to find that Marguerite does not put herself out for me," I said with a forced smile. 

"She has very good reason not to. You have done what you were bound to do. You have been more reasonable than she, for she was really in love with you; she did nothing but talk of you. I don't know what she would not have been capable of doing." 

"Why hasn't she answered me, if she was in love with me?" 

"Because she realizes she was mistaken in letting herself love you. Women sometimes allow you to be unfaithful to their love; they never allow you to wound their self-esteem; and one always wounds the self-esteem of a woman when, two days after one has become her lover, one leaves her, no matter for what reason. I know Marguerite; she would die sooner than reply." 

"What can I do, then?" 

"Nothing. She will forget you, you will forget her, and neither will have any reproach to make against the other." 

"But if I write and ask her forgiveness?" 

"Don't do that, for she would forgive you." 

I could have flung my arms round Prudence's neck. 

A quarter of an hour later I was once more in my own quarters, and I wrote to Marguerite: 

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"Some one, who repents of a letter that he wrote yesterday and who will leave Paris to-morrow if you do not forgive him, wishes to know at what hour he might lay his repentance at your feet. 

"When can he find you alone? for, you know, confessions must be made without witnesses." 

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I folded this kind of madrigal in prose, and sent it by Joseph, who handed it to Marguerite herself; she replied that she would send the answer later. 

I only went out to have a hasty dinner, and at eleven in the evening no reply had come. I made up my mind to endure it no longer, and to set out next day. In consequence of this resolution, and convinced that I should not sleep if I went to bed, I began to pack up my things. 

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