12.2 我有伊 ê 鎖匙

12.2 Góa ū i ê só-sî

Koh-lâi, Sîn nā ín-chún kau-chè-hoe ū ài-chêng, chit-chióng ài-chêng tú-khòaⁿ ná sī goân-liōng, lo̍h-bóe soah hāi i bô hoat-tō͘ hôe-thâu. Chi̍t ê kòe-khì ê seng-oa̍h eng-kai siū tio̍h khián-chek ê cha-bó͘, it-tàn nā tú-tio̍h chhim-khek, chin-sim, kiông-lia̍t ê ài-chêng, chit-chióng i chū-lâi m̄-bat tú-kòe, i nā sêng-jīn che, i só͘ ài ê hit ê cha-po͘-lâng tō ē-tàng oân-choân thóng-tī i ah-lah! Chit ê cha-po͘ chin tek-ì koh chân-jím, siūⁿ-kóng: Lí ê ài tō ná chhiūⁿ lí sī ūi-tio̍h chîⁿ. In m̄-chai boeh án-chóaⁿ chèng-bêng chin-sim ê ài. Chi̍t ê gū-giân: chi̍t ê gín-á tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ hoah "Kiù-miā oh! Lông lâi lah!" chhòng-tī chhân-nih ê chò-sit-lâng. Chi̍t kang, lông chin ê lâi ah, i koh hoah kiù-lâng, m̄-koh hō͘ phiàn kòe ê lâng bô koh siong-sìn i, chū án-ne, i khì hō͘ lông thoa-khì. Chiah-ê khó-liân ê cha-bó͘ it-tàn ū chin-sim ê ài-chêng, tō ná chhiūⁿ án-ne. In tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ khi-phiàn, bô lâng koh siong-sìn in, tī in hoán-hóe ê tiong-kan, in khì hō͘ in ê ài só͘ thoa-bôa.

Só͘-tì, hiah-ê úi-tāi ê chin-sim ê ài-chêng, jīn-chin thè-chhut âng-teng-hō͘ ê ki-lú, kî-tiong bē-chió sī chit-chióng àn-lē.

M̄-koh, hit ê ín-khí chit-chióng chhiau-thoat ài-chêng ê cha-po͘ nā ū úi-tāi ê lêng-hûn, ē-tàng bô kè-kàu kòe-khì, choân-sim ka-ji̍p chit ê ài, tō-sī kóng, i hō͘ cha-bó͘ ê ài kap cha-bó͘ hō͘ i ê ài kāng-khoán, chit ê cha-po͘ tō ē tit-tio̍h sè-kan só͘ ū ê ài, ū chit-chióng ài, i tō bē koh khì ài tio̍h pa̍t-lâng.

Chiah-ê siūⁿ-hoat m̄-sī hit-kang góa tńg-chhù tō ū ê. In ū khó-lêng sī góa āu-lâi tú-tio̍h ê tāi-chì ê ī-kám, sui-jiân góa chin ài Marguerite, góa mā bô siūⁿ-tio̍h ē ū hiah-ê tāi-chì. Sī kin-á-ji̍t góa chiah ū chiah-ê siūⁿ-hoat. Taⁿ, sū-sū lóng kòe-khì ah, ùi í-keng hoat-seng ê tāi-chì khòaⁿ lâi, chū-jiân ē án-ne siūⁿ.

Taⁿ, lán koh tńg-khì góa kap i kau-óng ê tē-it kang. Tńg kàu chhù, góa thiòng-kah lia̍h bē-tiâu. Siūⁿ tio̍h hoâiⁿ tī góa kap Marguerite tiong-kan ê chiòng-gāi í-keng giâ-khui ah, siūⁿ tio̍h taⁿ i sī góa ê, siūⁿ tio̍h góa tī i sim-lāi ê tē-ūi, siūⁿ tio̍h góa lak-tē-á té ê só-sî, siūⁿ tio̍h góa ē-sái iōng chit-ki só-sî, góa chiâⁿ boán-chiok jîn-seng, ka-tī kám-kak hong-sîn, góa kám-siā Sîn, in-ūi Sîn sù hō͘ góa chiah-ê.

Chi̍t kang, chi̍t ê siàu-liân cha-po͘ kiâⁿ kòe ke-lō͘, tú tio̍h chi̍t ê cha-bó͘ lâng, i kā cha-bó͘ khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē, oa̍t-sin, kè-sio̍k kiâⁿ i ê lō͘. I m̄-bat chit ê cha-bó͘, cha-bó͘ ê khoài-lo̍k, pi-ai, ài-chêng, lóng kap i bô koan-hē. Cha-bó͘ sim-tiong mā bô chit ê cha-po͘, i nā kap cha-bó͘ kóng-ōe, hoān-sè ē hō͘ chhiò, tō ná Marguerite bat chhiò góa kāng-khoán. Keng-kòe kúi lé-pài, kúi kò goe̍h, kúi nā nî, hut-jiân, tī in sûi-lâng ê miā-ūn tiong-kan, iân-hūn soah hō͘ in koh lâi sio-tú. Cha-bó͘ piàn-chiâⁿ cha-po͘ ê chêng-jîn, chiâⁿ ài i. Sī án-chóaⁿ? ná án-ne? In nn̄g lâng kiap chò-hóe, iáu bōe chin-chiàⁿ sio-bat in tō ná-chhiūⁿ chū-lâi tō it-ti̍t sio-bat, chit nn̄g ê ài-jîn ê kòe-óng in lóng bē-kì-tit ah. Lán ài sêng-jīn, che chin koài-kî.

Tùi góa lâi kóng, góa í-keng bē-kì-tit hit-àm chìn-chêng góa sī án-chóaⁿ seng-oa̍h. Nā siūⁿ tio̍h goán tē-it àm só͘ kóng ê ōe, góa tō kui-sin sóng oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. Nā m̄-sī Marguerite chin gâu khi-phiàn, tō-sī tī góa chho͘-chhù chim i ê sî, i tō tu̍t-jiân seⁿ-chhut jia̍t-chêng, āu-lâi iū-koh hoa-khì, chiah-ê jia̍t-chêng seⁿ koh hoa, lâi-lâi khì-khì.

Góa lú siūⁿ lú án-ne kám-kak, Marguerite bô su-iàu kă khi-phiàn i tùi góa só͘ bô ê ài, góa mā kā ka-tī kóng, cha-bó͘ lâng ê ài ū nn̄g-chióng, ùi kî-tiong chi̍t-chióng ē seⁿ-chhut lēng-gōa chi̍t-chióng: nā m̄-sī sim-lêng ê ài, tō-sī bah-thé ê ài. Cha-bó͘ lâng óng-óng ūi-tio̍h ho̍k-chiông bah-thé ê su-iàu chiap-la̍p ài-jîn, chiah koh put-ti-put-kak o̍h-bat sim-lêng ê ài ê ò-miāu, chū án-ne khai-sí kòe tio̍h kan-ta sim-lêng ê ài ê seng-oa̍h. Cha-bó͘ nā tui-kiû nn̄g ê kan-ta sûn-kiat kám-chêng só͘ kiat-ha̍p ê hun-in, āu-lâi tō ē hut-jiân hoat-hiān tio̍h bah-thé chhin-jia̍t ê ài, che tō sī chòe sûn-kiat ê lêng-hûn só͘ tòa lâi ê ū-la̍t ê kiat-kó.

Góa tng-teh siūⁿ ê tiong-kan chū án-ne khùn khì. Marguerite siá lâi ê phe kā góa kiò chhíⁿ; phe lāi-té án-ne siá:

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"Góa ê hoan-hù: E-àm khì Vaudeville kio̍k-tiûⁿ. Tī tē-saⁿ bō͘ hioh-khùn ê sî lâi chhōe góa. M.G."

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Góa kā phe siu tī thoah-á nih, án-ne su-iàu ê sî thang chò chèng-kì, in-ūi góa tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ kám-kak che kám-sī bîn-bāng.

I bô kiò góa ji̍t-sî khì khòaⁿ i, góa tō m̄-káⁿ khì; m̄-koh góa chin siūⁿ boeh e-àm chìn-chêng tō ē-tàng seng khòaⁿ tio̍h i, só͘-í góa khì Champs-Elysees tōa-ke, tī chia góa koh khòaⁿ tio̍h i lâi koh khì, kap chêng chi̍t-kang kāng-khoán.

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12.2 我有伊 ê 鎖匙

閣來, 神 nā 允准交際花有愛情, 這種愛情拄看 ná 是原諒, 落尾煞害伊無法度回頭. 一个過去 ê 生活應該受著譴責 ê 查某, 一旦 nā 拄著深刻, 真心, 強烈 ê 愛情, 這種伊自來毋 bat 拄過, 伊 nā 承認這, 伊所愛 ê 彼个查埔人 tō 會當完全統治伊 ah-lah! 這个查埔真得意 koh 殘忍, 想講: 你 ê 愛 tō 若像你是為著錢. In 毋知欲按怎證明真心 ê 愛. 一个寓言: 一个囡仔定定喝 "救命 oh! 狼來 lah!" 創治田 nih ê 做穡人. 一工, 狼真 ê 來 ah, 伊 koh 喝救人, 毋過予騙過 ê 人無 koh 相信伊, 自 án-ne, 伊去予狼拖去. Chiah-ê 可憐 ê 查某一旦有真心 ê 愛情, tō 若像 án-ne. In 定定欺騙, 無人 koh 相信 in, tī in 反悔 ê 中間, in 去予 in ê 愛所拖磨.

所致, hiah-ê 偉大 ê 真心 ê 愛情, 認真退出紅燈戶 ê 妓女, 其中袂少是這種案例.

毋過, 彼个引起這種超脫愛情 ê 查埔 nā 有偉大 ê 靈魂, 會當無計較過去, 全心加入這个愛, tō 是講, 伊予查某 ê 愛 kap 查某予伊 ê 愛仝款, 這个查埔 tō 會得著世間所有 ê 愛, 有這種愛, 伊 tō 袂 koh 去愛著別人.

Chiah-ê 想法毋是彼工我轉厝 tō 有 ê. In 有可能是我後來拄著 ê 代誌 ê 預感, 雖然我真愛 Marguerite, 我 mā 無想著會有 hiah-ê 代誌. 是今仔日我才有 chiah-ê 想法. 今, 事事攏過去 ah, ùi 已經發生 ê 代誌看來, 自然會 án-ne 想.

今, 咱 koh 轉去我 kap 伊交往 ê 第一工. 轉到厝, 我暢甲掠袂牢. 想著橫 tī 我 kap Marguerite 中間 ê 障礙已經夯開 ah, 想著今伊是我 ê, 想著我 tī 伊心內 ê 地位, 想著我 lak 袋仔底 ê 鎖匙, 想著我會使用這支鎖匙, 我誠滿足人生, 家己感覺風神, 我感謝神, 因為神賜予我 chiah-ê.

一工, 一个少年查埔行過街路, 拄著一个查某人, 伊 kā 查某看一下, 越身, 繼續行伊 ê 路. 伊毋捌這个查某, 查某 ê 快樂, 悲哀, 愛情, 攏 kap 伊無關係. 查某心中 mā 無這个查埔, 伊 nā kap 查某講話, 凡勢會予笑, tō ná Marguerite bat 笑我仝款. 經過幾禮拜, 幾個月, 幾若年, 忽然, tī in 隨人 ê 命運中間, 緣份煞予 in koh 來相拄. 查某變成查埔 ê 情人, 誠愛伊. 是按怎? ná án-ne? In 兩人夾做伙, 猶未真正相捌 in tō 若像自來 tō 一直相捌, 這兩个愛人 ê 過往 in 攏袂記得 ah. 咱愛承認, 這真怪奇.

對我來講, 我已經袂記得彼暗進前我是按怎生活. Nā 想著阮第一暗所講 ê 話, 我 tō 規身爽 oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. Nā 毋是 Marguerite 真 gâu 欺騙, tō 是 tī 我初次唚伊 ê 時, 伊 tō 突然生出熱情, 後來又閣 hoa 去, chiah-ê 熱情生 koh hoa, 來來去去.

我愈想愈 án-ne 感覺, Marguerite 無需要 kă 欺騙伊對我所無 ê 愛, 我 mā kā 家己講, 查某人 ê 愛有兩種, ùi 其中一種會生出另外一種: nā 毋是心靈 ê 愛, tō 是肉體 ê 愛. 查某人往往為著服從肉體 ê 需要接納愛人, 才 koh 不知不覺學捌心靈 ê 愛 ê 奧妙, 自 án-ne 開始過著干焦心靈 ê 愛 ê 生活. 查某 nā 追求兩个干焦純潔感情所結合 ê 婚姻, 後來 tō 會忽然發現著肉體親熱 ê 愛, 這 tō 是最純潔 ê 靈魂所帶來 ê 有力 ê 結果.

我當 teh 想 ê 中間自 án-ne 睏去. Marguerite 寫來 ê 批 kā 我叫醒; 批內底 án-ne 寫:

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"我 ê 吩咐: 下暗去 Vaudeville 劇場. Tī 第三幕歇睏 ê 時來揣我. M.G."

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我 kā 批收 tī 屜仔 nih, án-ne 需要 ê 時通做證據, 因為我定定感覺這敢是眠夢.

伊無叫我日時去看伊, 我 tō 毋敢去; 毋過我真想欲下暗進前 tō 會當先看著伊, 所以我去 Champs-Elysees 大街, tī 遮我 koh 看著伊來 koh 去, kap 前一工仝款.

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12.2

Then, when God allows love to a courtesan, that love, which at first seems like a pardon, becomes for her almost without penitence. When a creature who has all her past to reproach herself with is taken all at once by a profound, sincere, irresistible love, of which she had never felt herself capable; when she has confessed her love, how absolutely the man whom she loves dominates her! How strong he feels with his cruel right to say: You do no more for love than you have done for money. They know not what proof to give. A child, says the fable, having often amused himself by crying "Help! a wolf!" in order to disturb the labourers in the field, was one day devoured by a Wolf, because those whom he had so often deceived no longer believed in his cries for help. It is the same with these unhappy women when they love seriously. They have lied so often that no one will believe them, and in the midst of their remorse they are devoured by their love. 

Hence those great devotions, those austere retreats from the world, of which some of them have given an example. 

But when the man who inspires this redeeming love is great enough in soul to receive it without remembering the past, when he gives himself up to it, when, in short, he loves as he is loved, this man drains at one draught all earthly emotions, and after such a love his heart will be closed to every other. 

I did not make these reflections on the morning when I returned home. They could but have been the presentiment of what was to happen to me, and, despite my love for Marguerite, I did not foresee such consequences. I make these reflections to-day. Now that all is irrevocably ended, they arise naturally out of what has taken place. 

But to return to the first day of my liaison. When I reached home I was in a state of mad gaiety. As I thought of how the barriers which my imagination had placed between Marguerite and myself had disappeared, of how she was now mine; of the place I now had in her thoughts, of the key to her room which I had in my pocket, and of my right to use this key, I was satisfied with life, proud of myself, and I loved God because he had let such things be. 

One day a young man is passing in the street, he brushes against a woman, looks at her, turns, goes on his way. He does not know the woman, and she has pleasures, griefs, loves, in which he has no part. He does not exist for her, and perhaps, if he spoke to her, she would only laugh at him, as Marguerite had laughed at me. Weeks, months, years pass, and all at once, when they have each followed their fate along a different path, the logic of chance brings them face to face. The woman becomes the man's mistress and loves him. How? why? Their two existences are henceforth one; they have scarcely begun to know one another when it seems as if they had known one another always, and all that had gone before is wiped out from the memory of the two lovers. It is curious, one must admit. 

As for me, I no longer remembered how I had lived before that night. My whole being was exalted into joy at the memory of the words we had exchanged during that first night. Either Marguerite was very clever in deception, or she had conceived for me one of those sudden passions which are revealed in the first kiss, and which die, often enough, as suddenly as they were born. 

The more I reflected the more I said to myself that Marguerite had no reason for feigning a love which she did not feel, and I said to myself also that women have two ways of loving, one of which may arise from the other: they love with the heart or with the senses. Often a woman takes a lover in obedience to the mere will of the senses, and learns without expecting it the mystery of immaterial love, and lives henceforth only through her heart; often a girl who has sought in marriage only the union of two pure affections receives the sudden revelation of physical love, that energetic conclusion of the purest impressions of the soul. 

In the midst of these thoughts I fell asleep; I was awakened by a letter from Marguerite containing these words: 

"Here are my orders: To-night at the Vaudeville. "Come during the third entr'acte. M.G."

 

I put the letter into a drawer, so that I might always have it at band in case I doubted its reality, as I did from time to time. 

She did not tell me to come to see her during the day, and I dared not go; but I had so great a desire to see her before the evening that I went to the Champs-Elysees, where I again saw her pass and repass, as I had on the previous day. 

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