14.1 我著離開這个查某

Tē 14 Chiong

14.1 Góa tio̍h lī-khui chit-ê cha-bó͘

Tńg kàu chhù, góa khai-sí khàu-kah ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á. Hoān-nā hō͘ cha-bó͘ siōng-chió hoán-pōe chi̍t-kái ê cha-po͘ tō ē-tàng liáu-kái góa ū gōa thòng-khó͘.

Góa kui-pak hóe, tō hā chi̍t ê kiò sī chò ē-kàu ê koat-sim: ài má-siōng chhiat-tn̄g chit-chióng hi-chêng ké-ài, tán-kah bē-hù thiⁿ-kng thang tńg-khì goán lāu-pē kap sió-mōe hia, siōng-bô in ê ài góa ū khak-tēng, mā khak-tēng in éng-oán to bē hoán-pōe tùi góa ê ài.

Put-jî-kò, góa m̄-ài bô hō͘ Marguerite chai-iáⁿ sī-án-chóaⁿ góa boeh lī-khui i, tō seng lī-khui. Kan-ta bô koh kòa-ì chêng-hū ê cha-po͘ chiah ē bô siá-phe hō͘ i tō lī-khui. Góa tī thâu-khak siūⁿ jī-cha̍p chióng phe ê siá-hoat. I chí-sī kap kî-thaⁿ chit-chiong cha-bó͘ kāng-khoán ê cha-bó͘-lâng. Góa it-ti̍t siuⁿ kā lí-sióng-hòa. I ka̋ tòng-chò sió-ha̍k-seng, i phiàn góa ê chhiú-tōaⁿ hàm-kah m̄-sī khoán. Góa ê chū-chun m̄-goān soah. Góa tio̍h lī-khui chit ê cha-bó͘, koh bē-sái hō͘ chai góa ê siū-khó͘, bián-tit i tek-ì. Só͘-í, góa iōng siōng siù-khì ê jī-thé, ná lâu tio̍h hùn-nō͘ kap thòng-khó͘ ê ba̍k-sái, ná án-ne siá:

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"Góa chhin-ài ê Marguerite: Góa hi-bāng cha-hng lí ê bô-chheng-chhái bô chin iàu-kín. Àm-sî cha̍p-it tiám góa khì boeh thàm-bōng lí, ū lâng kă kóng, lí bô tī chhù. G SS[Sian-siⁿ] pí góa khah hó-ūn, in-ūi i āu-bóe góa lâi, it-ti̍t kàu chá-khí sì tiám i iáu bô lī-khui.

"Chhiáⁿ goân-liōng góa kap lí chò-hóe ê hiah-ê  bô-liâu ê sî-kan, mā chhiáⁿ hòng-sim, góa éng-oán ē hoâi-liām lí sù hō͘ góa ê khoài-lo̍k sî-kan.

"Kin-á-ji̍t góa pún-kai lâi thàm-bōng lí, m̄-koh góa boeh tńg-khì goán lāu-pē hia.

"Chài-hōe lah, chhin-ài ê Marguerite. Góa bô kàu hó-gia̍h thang chiàu góa ê ì-sù ài lí, mā m̄-sī sàn-kah tio̍h chiàu lí ê ì-sù ài lí. Lán lóng ài pàng-bē-kì: lí tio̍h bē-kì chi̍t ê lí bô koan-sim ê miâ, góa tio̍h bē-kì hit ê bô-hoat-tō͘ si̍t-hiān ê bí-bāng.

"Góa taⁿ kā só-sî hêng lí, che góa bô iōng kòe, hoān-sè lí ē su-iàu i, jû-kó lí chhiūⁿ cha-hng án-ne, tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ teh lâng bô chheng-chhái."

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Lí khòaⁿ, kàu phe ê lo̍h-bóe góa iáu sī sió-khóa kā keng-thé chi̍t-ē, che tō-sī góa iáu chin ài i ê chèng-bêng lah.

Phe, góa lâi-hôe koh tha̍k cha̍p gōa piàn, chai-iáⁿ che ē hō͘ Marguerite sim thiàⁿ, góa chiah kám-kak khah pêng-chēng. Góa chīn-la̍t pó-chhî chit-chióng ké-sian ê kám-chêng, it-ti̍t kàu peh tiám, góa ê iōng-lâng lâi pâng-keng, góa kā phe kau i, kiò i sûi sàng khì.

"Góa ài tán i siá hôe-sìn bô?" góa ê iōng-lâng Joseph mn̄g góa.

"In nā mn̄g lí, ài hôe-phe bô, lí kóng, lí m̄-chai, m̄-koh lâu hia tán leh."

Góa tōa-tōa hi-bāng i ē hôe-phe. Khó-liân lah, lán lóng chiâⁿ nńg-jio̍k ah! Iōng-lâng chhut-khì liáu, góa sim-chêng it-ti̍t chin kek-tōng. Ū sî-chūn, góa siūⁿ-khí, Marguerite kā ka-tī hiàn-sin hō͘ góa, góa mn̄g ka-tī ū siáⁿ khoân-lī siá chit-chiong chho͘-ló͘ ê phe, in-ūi i ē-tàng kóng, m̄-sī G Ss chhiúⁿ góa ê ūi, sī góa khì chhiúⁿ G Ss ê ūi: chit-chióng kóng-hoat sī chē-chē ū kúi-nā ê chêng-jîn ê cha-bó͘ só͘ ē-sái iōng ê piān-kái. Koh ū sî-chūn, góa iū siūⁿ-khí i ín-chún góa ê tāi-chì, tō ka-tī phah-piàⁿ siong-sìn, kóng, góa ê phe siá liáu siuⁿ kheh-khì, bô giâm-lē ê jī-kù thang chhú-hoa̍t hí-lāng góa sûn-kiat ê ài ê cha-bó͘. Chū án-ne, góa jīn-ûi, siōng-hó sī bô siá-phe hō͘ i, tō ài chhin-sin khì chhōe i, nā án-ne, góa tō ū ki-hōe khòaⁿ tio̍h i lâu ba̍k-sái, tō kám-kak thòng-khoài. Lo̍h-bóe, góa mn̄g ka-tī, i ē án-chóaⁿ hôe-phe, m̄-koán i iōng siáⁿ-mih lí-iû, góa lóng ū sim-lí chún-pī lah.

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第 14 章

14.1 我著離開這个查某

轉到厝, 我開始哭甲若像囡仔. 凡若予查某上少反背一改 ê 查埔 tō 會當了解我有偌痛苦.

我規腹火, tō 下一个叫是做會到 ê 決心: 愛馬上切斷這種虛情假愛, 等甲袂赴天光通轉去阮老爸 kap 小妹遐, 上無 in ê 愛我有確定, mā 確定 in 永遠 to 袂反背對我 ê 愛.

不而過, 我毋愛無予 Marguerite 知影是按怎我欲離開伊, tō 先離開. 干焦無 koh 掛意情婦 ê 查埔才會無寫批予伊 tō 離開. 我 tī 頭殼想二十種批 ê 寫法. 伊只是 kap 其他這種查某仝款 ê 查某人. 我一直傷 kā 理想化. 伊 ka̋ 當做小學生, 伊騙我 ê 手段譀甲毋是款. 我 ê 自尊毋願煞. 我著離開這个查某, koh 袂使予知我 ê 受苦, 免得伊得意. 所以, 我用上秀氣 ê 字體, ná 流著憤怒 kap 痛苦 ê 目屎, ná án-ne 寫:

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"我親愛 ê Marguerite: 我希望昨昏你 ê 無清彩無真要緊. 暗時十一點我去欲探望你, 有人 kă 講, 你無 tī 厝. G Ss [先生] 比我較好運, 因為伊後尾我來, 一直到早起四點伊猶無離開.

"請原諒我 kap 你做伙 ê hiah-ê 無聊 ê 時間, mā 請放心, 我永遠會懷念你賜予我 ê 快樂時間.

"今仔日我本該來探望你, 毋過我欲轉去阮老爸遐.

"再會 lah, 親愛 ê Marguerite. 我無夠好額通照我 ê 意思愛你, mā 毋是散甲著照你 ê 意思愛你. 咱攏愛放袂記: 你著袂記一个你無關心 ê 名, 我著袂記彼个無法度實現 ê 美夢.

"我今 kā 鎖匙還你, 這我無用過, 凡勢你會需要伊, 如果你像昨昏 án-ne, 定定 teh 人無清彩."

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你看, 到批 ê 落尾我猶是小可 kā 供體一下, 這 tō 是我猶真愛伊 ê 證明 lah.

批, 我來回 koh 讀十外遍, 知影這會予 Marguerite 心疼, 我才感覺較平靜. 我盡力保持這種假仙 ê 感情, 一直到八點, 我 ê 用人來房間, 我 kā 批交伊, 叫伊隨送去.

"我愛等伊寫回信無?" 我 ê 用人 Joseph 問我.

"In nā 問你, 愛回批無, 你講, 你毋知, 毋過留遐等 leh."

我大大希望伊會回批. 可憐 lah, 咱攏誠軟弱 ah! 用人出去了, 我心情一直真激動. 有時陣, 我想起, Marguerite kā 家己獻身予我, 我問家己有啥權利寫這種粗魯 ê 批, 因為伊會當講, 毋是 G Ss 搶我 ê 位, 是我去搶 G Ss ê 位: 這種講法是濟濟有幾若 ê 情人 ê 查某所 ē-sái 用 ê 辯解. Koh 有時陣, 我又想起伊允准我 ê 代誌, tō 家己拍拚相信, 講, 我 ê 批寫了傷客氣, 無嚴厲 ê 字句通處罰戲弄我純潔 ê 愛 ê 查某. 自 án-ne, 我認為, 上好是無寫批予伊, tō 愛親身去揣伊, nā án-ne, 我 tō 有機會看著伊流目屎, tō 感覺痛快. 落尾, 我問家己, 伊會按怎回批, 毋管伊用啥物理由, 我攏有心理準備 lah.

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Chapter 14 

14.1

When I reached home I began to cry like a child. There is no man to whom a woman has not been unfaithful, once at least, and who will not know what I suffered. 

I said to myself, under the weight of these feverish resolutions which one always feels as if one had the force to carry out, that I must break with my amour at once, and I waited impatiently for daylight in order to set out forthwith to rejoin my father and my sister, of whose love at least I was certain, and certain that that love would never be betrayed. 

However, I did not wish to go away without letting Marguerite know why I went. Only a man who really cares no more for his mistress leaves her without writing to her. I made and remade twenty letters in my head. I had had to do with a woman like all other women of the kind. I had been poetizing too much. She had treated me like a school-boy, she had used in deceiving me a trick which was insultingly simple. My self-esteem got the upper hand. I must leave this woman without giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she had made me suffer, and this is what I wrote to her in my most elegant handwriting and with tears of rage and sorrow in my eyes: 

"MY DEAR MARGUERITE: I hope that your indisposition yesterday was not serious. I came, at eleven at night, to ask after you, and was told that you had not come in. M. de G. was more fortunate, for he presented himself shortly afterward, and at four in the morning he had not left. 

"Forgive me for the few tedious hours that I have given you, and be assured that I shall never forget the happy moments which I owe to you. 

"I should have called to-day to ask after you, but I intend going back to my father's. 

"Good-bye, my dear Marguerite. I am not rich enough to love you as I would nor poor enough to love you as you would. Let us then forget, you a name which must be indifferent enough to you, I a happiness which has become impossible. 

"I send back your key, which I have never used, and which might be useful to you, if you are often ill as you were yesterday." 

As you will see, I was unable to end my letter without a touch of impertinent irony, which proved how much in love I still was. 

I read and reread this letter ten times over; then the thought of the pain it would give to Marguerite calmed me a little. I tried to persuade myself of the feelings which it professed; and when my servant came to my room at eight o'clock, I gave it to him and told him to take it at once. 

"Shall I wait for an answer?" asked Joseph (my servant, like all servants, was called Joseph). 

"If they ask whether there is a reply, you will say that you don't know, and wait." 

I buoyed myself up with the hope that she would reply. Poor, feeble creatures that we are! All the time that my servant was away I was in a state of extreme agitation. At one moment I would recall how Marguerite had given herself to me, and ask myself by what right I wrote her an impertinent letter, when she could reply that it was not M. de G. who supplanted me, but I who had supplanted M. de G.: a mode of reasoning which permits many women to have many lovers. At another moment I would recall her promises, and endeavour to convince myself that my letter was only too gentle, and that there were not expressions forcible enough to punish a woman who laughed at a love like mine. Then I said to myself that I should have done better not to have written to her, but to have gone to see her, and that then I should have had the pleasure of seeing the tears that she would shed. Finally, I asked myself what she would reply to me; already prepared to believe whatever excuse she made. 

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