11.1 這是無希望 ê 愛

Tē 11 Chiong

11.1 Che sī bô hi-bāng ê ài

Kóng kàu chia, Armand thêng lo̍h-lâi.

"Chhiáⁿ lí koaiⁿ thang-á, hó bô?" i kóng. "Góa kám-kak ē-léng. Góa siūⁿ boeh lâi-khì khùn."

Góa kā thang-á koaiⁿ hó. Armand sin-thé iáu-sī hi-hi, i thǹg tiāu tn̂g-phâu, tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, thâu-khak khò tī chím-thâu hioh leh, ká-ná sī kóng siuⁿ chē ōe teh thiám, a̍h-sī siū tio̍h thòng-khó͘ ê kì-tî só͘ khùn-jiáu.

"Khióng-kiaⁿ lí sī kóng liáu siuⁿ chē lah," góa kā kóng. "Góa seng lī-khui, hō͘ lí khùn chi̍t-ē, hó bô? Chhun--ê pa̍t-kang chiah koh kóng."

"Lí thiaⁿ-liáu siān ah, sī bô?"

"Bē, bē siān."

"Nā án-ne, góa koh kóng. Lí nā cháu, góa mā khùn bē-khì."

Tńg kàu chhù ê sî (i chiap loeh kóng, bián thêng-khùn, bián án-chóaⁿ siūⁿ, sè-chiat lóng chheng-chheng chhó-chhó tī i ê sim-lāi), góa bô sûi khì khùn, tō khai-sí koh-siūⁿ chit kang ê tāi-chì: chham Marguerite ê sio-tú, kài-siāu, i hō͘ góa ê ín-chún, chi̍t-hāng, chi̍t-hāng tòe leh lâi, lóng chiâⁿ ì-gōa, chāi-chāi hō͘ góa ká-ná sī teh bîn-bāng. M̄-koh, chhiūⁿ Marguerite chit-chióng ko͘-niû ū cha-po͘-lâng kā tui-kiû, tē-jī kang tō tit-tio̍h i ê tap-èng, che mā-sī chin chèng-siông ê tāi-chì.

M̄-koh, tio̍h-sǹg góa án-ne koh-siūⁿ, chit ê góa bī-lâi ê chêng-jîn só͘ hō͘ góa ê tē-it ìn-siōng sī hiah-nī kiông, kú-kú siau bē-khì. Góa tō-sī bē giàn kā i khòaⁿ chò kî-thaⁿ ê cha-bó͘, kap só͘-ū ê cha-po͘ kāng-khoán, góa ê hi-êng jīn-ûi, tō ná-chhiūⁿ góa khì hō͘ bê-tio̍h, i tùi góa mā-sī án-ne.

M̄-koh, góa mā ū thiaⁿ tio̍h chin chē bô-kāng ê kóng-hoat, chhiâng-chāi ū-lâng kóng, Marguerite ê kám-chêng pí-kàu-siōng ke khah kùi chi̍t-kóa, mā ē tòe sî-chūn teh khí-lo̍h.

Tān-sī, hoán-tńg-lâi khòaⁿ, lán mā ū tī in-tau khòaⁿ-tio̍h i it-chài kī-choa̍t hit-ê siàu-liân pek-chiok ê iau-kiû, che boeh án-chóaⁿ kái-soeh hiah-ê hong-siaⁿ neh? Lí ē-sái kóng, i bô kah-ì pek-chiok, i iū-koh hō͘ kong-chiok pau-chhī kah chin sù-sī, nā boeh koh chhōe chi̍t ê chêng-jîn, tong-jiân i ē kéng khah iân-tâu ê. Nā án-ne, sī án-chóaⁿ i m̄-kéng hit-ê hó-gia̍h, chhong-bêng, koh iân-tâu ê Gaston neh, sī án-chóaⁿ i boeh kéng góa chit ê tī tē-it kái hō͘ i kám-kak hó-chhiò ê lâng neh?

Tek-khak, chi̍t-sî ê kî-iân ū khó-lêng pí chi̍t nî ê tui-kiû koh-khah ū-hāu. Hiah-ê chò-hóe chia̍h siau-iā ê lâng lāi-té, tī i lī-khui pn̄g-toh liáu, kan-ta góa ū khì koan-sim i. Góa tòe i āu-piah, góa kek-tōng kah bô hoat-tō͘ am-khàm, góa ba̍k-sái tih tī i hŏa chim ê chhiú. Chiah-ê chióng-chióng, ka-siōng i phòa-pēⁿ hit nn̄g kò goe̍h góa ta̍k-kang khì thàm-bōng koh bô lâu miâ-chhì, che khó-lêng hō͘ i kám-kak góa kap i bat ê kî-thaⁿ ê cha-po͘ bô-kāng; khó-lêng i án-ne siūⁿ: tùi chit-chióng piáu-ta̍t ài ê hong-sek, i mā ē-sái chiàu chò, tō ná chhiūⁿ i chhiâng-chāi teh chò ê kāng-khoán, pēng bô siáⁿ liáu-put-khí.

Só͘-ū chiah-ê ka-siat, lí mā khòaⁿ ē chhut-lâi, sī bô siáⁿ khó-lêng; m̄-koh, m̄-koán sī siáⁿ-mih lí-iû i chiap-la̍p góa, i tō-sī chiap-la̍p góa ah lah.

Taⁿ góa í-keng chhim-chhim ài tio̍h Marguerite ah. Góa tùi i bô siáⁿ-mih iau-kiû ah. Tān-sī, sui-jiân i chí-sī chi̍t ê kau-chè-hoe, m̄-koh góa it-tit án-ne ka-tī siūⁿ, iōng si ê gí-giân lâi kóng, che sī bô-hi-bāng ê ài, só͘-tì, lú chiap-kīn boeh tit-tio̍h hit ê ài, góa soah lú giâu-gî. Chū án-ne, góa kui-àm lóng bô khùn.

Góa chùi-kah gîn-gông se̍h, ná-chhiūⁿ tī thiⁿ-téng poe. Ū-sî góa kám-kak ka-tī bô-kàu iân-tâu, hó-gia̍h, a̍h-sī ko-sióng, bô chu-keh tit-tio̍h chit ê cha-bó͘, ū-sî góa iū-koh in-ūi tit-tio̍h i thiòng-kah; koh-lâi, góa sûi khai-sí hoân-ló Marguerite bô kúi kang tō ē tùi góa hiâu-sim, góa tō kā ka-tī kóng, kì-jiân chá-bān ài hun-khui, góa kui-khì mài khì hù i ê iok-hōe, kan-ta siá chi̍t tiuⁿ phe kā kóng góa só͘ hoân-ló--ê, chū án-ne lâi kap i kò-pia̍t. Ùi hia, góa iū-koh seⁿ-chhut bô-hān ê hi-bāng, bô-pí ê sìn-sim. Góa bāng-kìⁿ lân-tit siong-sìn ê bī-lâi ê bāng; góa siūⁿ-boeh tī-liâu i sin-thé kap tō-tek- ê siong, góa boeh kui sì-lâng kap i tàu-tīn, i ê ài ē pí sè-kài siōng só͘-ū sûn-kiat ê ài koh-khah hō͘ góa hēng-hok.

Chóng--sī, góa bô hoat-tō͘ kā lí kóng-oân góa sim-koaⁿ té kap thâu-khak nih chhian-chhian bān-bān ê siūⁿ-hoat, kàu thiⁿ boeh-kng góa khùn khì, in chiah chiām-chiām siau--khì.

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第 11 章

11.1 這是無希望 ê 愛

講到遮, Armand 停落來.

"請你關窗仔, 好無?" 伊講. "我感覺會冷. 我想欲來去睏."

我 kā 窗仔關好. Armand 身體猶是虛虛, 伊褪掉長袍, 倒 tī 眠床, 頭殼靠 tī 枕頭歇 leh, 敢若是講傷濟話 teh 忝, 抑是受著痛苦 ê 記持所困擾.

"恐驚你是講了傷濟 lah," 我 kā 講. "我先離開, 予你睏一下, 好無? 賰 ê 別工才 koh 講."

"你聽了 siān ah, 是無?"

"袂, 袂 siān."

"Nā án-ne, 我 koh 講. 你 nā 走, 我 mā 睏袂去."

轉到厝 ê 時 (伊接 loeh 講, 免停睏, 免按怎想, 細節攏清清楚楚 tī 伊 ê 心內), 我無隨去睏, tō 開始 koh 想這工 ê 代誌: 參 Marguerite ê 相拄, 介紹, 伊予我 ê 允准, 一項, 一項綴 leh 來, 攏誠意外, 在在予我敢若是 teh 眠夢. 毋過, 像 Marguerite 這種姑娘有查埔人 kā 追求, 第二工 tō 得著伊 ê 答應, 這 mā 是真正常 ê 代誌.

毋過, 著算我 án-ne koh 想, 這个我未來 ê 情人所予我 ê 第一印象是 hiah-nī 強, 久久消袂去. 我 tō 是袂癮 kā 伊看做其他 ê 查某, kap 所有 ê 查埔仝款, 我 ê 虛榮認為, tō 若像我去予迷著, 伊對我 mā 是 án-ne.

毋過, 我 mā 有聽著真濟無仝 ê 講法, 常在有人講, Marguerite ê 感情比較上加較貴一寡, mā 會綴時陣 teh 起落.

但是, 反轉來看, 咱 mā 有 tī in 兜看著伊一再拒絕彼个少年伯爵 ê 要求, 這欲按怎解說 hiah-ê 風聲 neh? 你會使講, 伊無佮意伯爵, 伊又閣予公爵包飼甲真四序, nā 欲 koh 揣一个情人, 當然伊會揀較緣投 ê. Nā án-ne, 是按怎伊毋揀彼个好額, 聰明, koh 緣投 ê Gaston neh, 是按怎伊欲揀我這个 tī 第一改予伊感覺好笑 ê 人 neh?

的確, 一時 ê 奇緣有可能比一年 ê 追求閣較有效. Hiah-ê 做伙食宵夜 ê 人內底, tī 伊離開飯桌了, 干焦我有去關心伊. 我綴伊後壁, 我激動甲無法度掩崁, 我目屎滴 tī 伊 hőa 唚 ê 手. Chiah-ê 種種, 加上伊破病彼兩個月我逐工去探望 koh 無留名刺, 這可能予伊感覺我 kap 伊捌个其他 ê 查埔無仝; 可能伊 án-ne 想: 對這種表達愛 ê 方式, 伊 mā 會使照做, tō 若像伊常在 teh 做 ê 仝款, 並無啥了不起.

所有 chiah-ê 假設, 你 mā 看會出來, 是無啥可能; 毋過, 毋管是啥物理由伊接納我, 伊 tō 是接納我 ah lah.

今我已經深深愛著 Marguerite ah. 我對伊無啥物要求 ah. 但是, 雖然伊只是一个交際花, 毋過我一直 án-ne 家己想, 用詩 ê 語言來講, 這是無希望 ê 愛, 所致, 愈接近欲得著彼个愛, 我煞愈憢疑. 自 án-ne, 我規暗攏無睏.

我醉甲 gîn-gông se̍h, 若像 tī 天頂飛. 有時我感覺家己無夠緣投, 好額, 抑是高尚, 無資格得著這个查某, 有時我又閣因為得著伊暢甲; 閣來, 我隨開始煩惱 Marguerite 無幾工 tō 會對我嬈心, 我 tō kā 家己講, 既然早慢愛分開, 我規氣莫去赴伊 ê 約會, 干焦寫一張批 kā 講我所煩惱 ê, 自 án-ne 來 kap 伊告別. Ùi 遐, 我又閣生出無限 ê 希望, 無比 ê 信心. 我夢見難得相信 ê 未來 ê 夢; 我想欲治療伊身體 kap 道德 ê 傷, 我欲規世人 kap 伊鬥陣, 伊 ê 愛會比世界上所有純潔 ê 愛閣較予我幸福.

總是, 我無法度 kā 你講完我心肝底 kap 頭殼 nih 千千萬萬 ê 想法, 到天欲光我睏去, in 才漸漸消去.

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Chapter 11

11.1

At this point Armand stopped. 

"Would you close the window for me?" he said. "I am beginning to feel cold. Meanwhile, I will get into bed." 

I closed the window. Armand, who was still very weak, took off his dressing-gown and lay down in bed, resting his head for a few moments on the pillow, like a man who is tired by much talking or disturbed by painful memories. 

"Perhaps you have been talking too much," I said to him. "Would you rather for me to go and leave you to sleep? You can tell me the rest of the story another day." 

"Are you tired of listening to it?" 

"Quite the contrary."


"Then I will go on. If you left me alone, I should not sleep." 

When I returned home (he continued, without needing to pause and recollect himself, so fresh were all the details in his mind), I did not go to bed, but began to reflect over the day's adventure. The meeting, the introduction, the promise of Marguerite, had followed one another so rapidly, and so unexpectedly, that there were moments when it seemed to me I had been dreaming. Nevertheless, it was not the first time that a girl like Marguerite had promised herself to a man on the morrow of the day on which he had asked for the promise. 

Though, indeed, I made this reflection, the first impression produced on me by my future mistress was so strong that it still persisted. I refused obstinately to see in her a woman like other women, and, with the vanity so common to all men, I was ready to believe that she could not but share the attraction which drew me to her. 

Yet, I had before me plenty of instances to the contrary, and I had often heard that the affection of Marguerite was a thing to be had more or less dear, according to the season. 

But, on the other hand, how was I to reconcile this reputation with her constant refusal of the young count whom we had found at her house? You may say that he was unattractive to her, and that, as she was splendidly kept by the duke, she would be more likely to choose a man who was attractive to her, if she were to take another lover. If so, why did she not choose Gaston, who was rich, witty, and charming, and why did she care for me, whom she had thought so ridiculous the first time she had seen me? 

It is true that there are events of a moment which tell more than the courtship of a year. Of those who were at the supper, I was the only one who had been concerned at her leaving the table. I had followed her, I had been so affected as to be unable to hide it from her, I had wept as I kissed her hand. This circumstance, added to my daily visits during the two months of her illness, might have shown her that I was somewhat different from the other men she knew, and perhaps she had said to herself that for a love which could thus manifest itself she might well do what she had done so often that it had no more consequence for her. 

All these suppositions, as you may see, were improbable enough; but whatever might have been the reason of her consent, one thing was certain, she had consented. 

Now, I was in love with Marguerite. I had nothing more to ask of her. Nevertheless, though she was only a kept woman, I had so anticipated for myself, perhaps to poetize it a little, a hopeless love, that the nearer the moment approached when I should have nothing more to hope, the more I doubted. I did not close my eyes all night. 

I scarcely knew myself. I was half demented. Now, I seemed to myself not handsome or rich or elegant enough to possess such a woman, now I was filled with vanity at the thought of it; then I began to fear lest Marguerite had no more than a few days' caprice for me, and I said to myself that since we should soon have to part, it would be better not to keep her appointment, but to write and tell her my fears and leave her. From that I went on to unlimited hope, unbounded confidence. I dreamed incredible dreams of the future; I said to myself that she should owe to me her moral and physical recovery, that I should spend my whole life with her, and that her love should make me happier than all the maidenly loves in the world. 

But I can not repeat to you the thousand thoughts that rose from my heart to my head, and that only faded away with the sleep that came to me at daybreak. 

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