15.2 Góa kín-kín tō hiàn-sin hō͘ lí
"Nā
án-ne, góa ê pêng-iú, lí tio̍h ài góa khah chió leh, a̍h-sī liáu-kái góa khah
chē leh. Lí ê phe hō͘ góa chiok thòng-khó͘. Góa nā ū chū-iû, cho̍h-ji̍t góa tō
bē chiap-thāi pek-chiok, a̍h-sī chiap-thāi liáu, góa ē lâi chia chhiáⁿ lí
goân-liōng, tō ná chhiūⁿ lí taⁿ kiû góa goân-liōng kāng-khoán, jî-chhiáⁿ, í-āu
góa mā bē ū kî-thaⁿ ê chêng-jîn, kan-ta lí. Góa pún-chiâⁿ siūⁿ-kóng góa ē-tàng
ū la̍k kò goe̍h hō͘ ka-tī hiáng-siū hit-chióng hēng-hok; m̄-koh lí bô-ài ah; lí
kan-ta ài chai góa sī iōng siáⁿ hong-hoat. Ah, thiⁿ ah, siáⁿ hong-hoat lí ioh
mā ē chai! Hit-chióng hong-hoat hō͘ góa ê hi-seng sī lí siūⁿ bē-kàu ê. Góa
pún-chiâⁿ mā ē-sái ti̍t-ti̍t kā lí kóng, 'góa su-iàu nn̄g-bān franc'; lí
tng-teh ài góa, lí mā ē siūⁿ pān-hoat khoán hiah-ê chîⁿ, m̄-koh tán-kàu í-āu
hoān-sè lí ē bâi-oàn góa. Góa lêng-khó mài khiàm lí siáⁿ; lí bē-tàng liáu-kái chit
ê khó͘-sim, tāi-chì tō-sī án-ne. Goán chit-chióng cha-bó͘, goán nā ū liông-sim
ê sî, goán só͘ kóng ê ōe kap chò ê tāi-chì lóng ū te̍k-sû ê ì-gī kap hâm-ì, che
sī kî-thaⁿ ê cha-bó͘ só͘ m̄-chai ê. Án-ne, góa koh kóng chi̍t piàn, tùi
Marguerite Gautier lâi kóng, i bô chhōe lí the̍h chîⁿ khì hêng i ê chè-bū, chit
lāi-té ê hong-hoat tō-sī chit-chióng
khó͘-sim, ūi-tio̍h boeh hō͘ lí tit-tio̍h hó-chhù, siáⁿ lóng m̄-bián kóng. Lí
nā-sī kin-á-ji̍t chiah bat góa, lí ē chiok hoaⁿ-hí góa tah-èng lí ê tāi-chì, lí
mā bē mn̄g góa tàu-té cho̍h-ji̍t góa chhòng siáⁿ tāi-chì. Ū sî-chūn góan tio̍h
chhut-bē sin-khu lâi boán-chiok goán ê sim-lêng, tān-sī hit ê sim-lêng ê boán-chiok
āu-lâi mā pī kī-choa̍t ê sî, góan tō koh-khah thòng-khó͘."
Góa
thiaⁿ i kóng, koh chhiong-móa khim-ho̍k khòaⁿ i. Góa siūⁿ tio̍h chit ê ko͘-niû,
i ê kha góa bat siàu-siūⁿ boeh chim, kèng-jiân goān-ì án-ne kái-phòa i ê
su-sióng hō͘ góa thiaⁿ, koh chiap-la̍p góa ji̍p i ê seng-oa̍h, án-ne góa
iáu-koh bô boán-chiok i hō͘ góa ê, taⁿ góa ka-tī mn̄g, lâng ê io̍k-bōng kám ū
hān-tō͘, chhiūⁿ góa án-ne kín-kín boán-chiok liáu, sûi tō siūⁿ boeh koh-khah
chē.
"Che
sī chin ê," i koh kóng, "chhiūⁿ goán chit-khoán khò ūn-miā ê lâng,
lóng ū koài-kî ê goān-bōng kap kî-miāu ê ài-chêng. Goán ūi-tio̍h che, ūi-tio̍h
he lâi hiàn-sin. Ū cha-po͘-lâng ūi goán lâi pāi-ke, siáⁿ lóng bô tit-tio̍h; mā
ū lâng sàng chi̍t-sok hoe tō ē-tàng tit-tio̍h goán. Goán ê sim kóng piàn tō
piàn; che tō-sī goán ê siau-khián, mā-sī goán ê chioh-kháu. Góa kín-kín tō
hiàn-sin hō͘ lí, pí hō͘ pa̍t-lâng lóng khah kín, che góa ē-sái chiù-chōa; lí
kám chai sī án-chóaⁿ án-ne? In-ūi lí khòaⁿ tio̍h góa kha̍k-hoeh, lí lâi khan
góa ê chhiú; in-ūi lí lâu ba̍k-sái; in-ūi kan-ta lí chi̍t lâng lâi tông-chêng
góa. Góa kóng chi̍t ê siáu-ōe hō͘ lí thiaⁿ: í-chêng góa ū chi̍t chiah káu-á,
khòaⁿ góa nā sàu, i tō bīn iu-iu; i sī góa ûi-it ài-kòe ê seng-bu̍t. I sí ê sî,
góa khàu-kah pí goán lāu-bú sí koh-khah siong-sim. Kóng chin ê, goán lāu-bú sí
chìn-chêng chiok-chiok phah góa cha̍p-jī nî. Tō-sī án-ne, góa chi̍t-ē tō
ài-tio̍h lí, tō ná chhiūⁿ góa ài góa ê káu. Lâng nā chai tông-chêng ē tit-tio̍h
siáⁿ, in tō khah ē ū-lâng ài, goán mā khah bē chau-that in ê chîⁿ.
"Lí
ê phe hō͘ góa khòaⁿ-phòa; i hián-sī lí bô liáu-kái lâng ê sim-koaⁿ; lí án-ne
chò hō͘ góa ê siong-hāi chiâⁿ tōa. He tong-jiân sī in-ūi lí ê oàn-tò͘, m̄-koh
hit-chióng oàn-tò͘ put-tān hó-chhiò mā chin chho͘-ló͘. Bōe chiap tio̍h lí ê phe
chìn-chêng, góa pún-chiâⁿ tō sim cho-cho. Pún-lâi góa teh kî-thāi cha̍p-jī tiám
kap lí sio-kìⁿ, chò-hóe chia̍h-tàu, koh in-ūi kìⁿ-tio̍h lí ē-tàng boah-tiāu
it-ti̍t tîⁿ tī sim-nih ê chhau-hoân, tī bat lí í-chêng, chit-chióng chhau-hoân góa
chóng-sī tio̍h jīm-siū.
"Taⁿ,"
Marguerite koh-chài kóng, "kan-ta lí, góa kám-kak ē-tàng tī lí bīn-chêng
siūⁿ siáⁿ kóng siáⁿ, chū-iû chū-chāi. Kau-pôe chhiūⁿ góa chit-khoán cha-bó͘ ê
lâng, lóng chin ài kè-kàu cha-bó͘ só͘ kóng ê ōe-gí, chin ài su-khó in bô-ì ê
tōng-chok lāi-té ū siáⁿ ì-gī. In-ūi án-ne, goán soah bô pêng-iú. Goán ū ê sī
chū-su ê chêng-jîn, in ka-tī kóng sī ūi-tio̍h goán khai ke-hóe, pāi-ke, m̄-koh
che lóng sī ūi-tio̍h in ka-tī ê hi-hoa. Ūi chiah-ê lâng, in nā hoaⁿ-hí, goán mā
tio̍h hoaⁿ-hí, in boeh chia̍h siau-iā, goán mā tio̍h chia̍h, in chhai-gî, goán
mā tio̍h chhai-gî. Goán bē-sái ū sim-koaⁿ, bián-tit hông jiáng, bián-tit
phò-hoāi goán ê miâ-siaⁿ.
--
15.2
"Nā
án-ne, 我 ê 朋友, 你著愛我較少 leh, 抑是了解我較濟
leh. 你 ê 批予我足痛苦. 我 nā
有自由, 昨日我 tō 袂接待伯爵, 抑是接待了, 我會來遮請你原諒,
tō ná 像你今求我原諒仝款, 而且, 以後我 mā 袂有其他 ê 情人, 干焦你. 我本成想講我會當有六個月予家己享受彼種幸福; 毋過你無愛
ah; 你干焦愛知我是用啥方法. Ah, 天
ah, 啥方法你臆 mā 會知! 彼種方法予我 ê 犧牲是你想袂到 ê.
我本成 mā 會使直直 kā
你講, '我需要兩萬 franc'; 你當
teh 愛我, 你 mā 會想辦法款
hiah-ê 錢, 毋過等到以後凡勢你會埋怨我. 我寧可莫欠你啥; 你袂當了解這个苦心, 代誌 tō
是 án-ne. 阮這種查某, 阮 nā
有良心 ê 時, 阮所講 ê 話 kap 做 ê 代誌攏有特殊 ê 意義
kap 含意, 這是其他 ê 查某所毋知 ê.
Án-ne, 我 koh 講一遍, 對
Marguerite Gautier 來講, 伊無揣你提錢去還伊 ê 債務, 這內底 ê 方法 tō
是這種苦心, 為著欲予你得著好處, 啥攏毋免講. 你 nā
是今仔日才捌我, 你會足歡喜我答應你 ê 代誌, 你 mā
袂問我到底昨日我創啥代誌. 有時陣阮著出賣身軀來滿足阮 ê 心靈, 但是彼个心靈 ê 滿足後來 mā
被拒絕 ê 時, 阮 tō 閣較痛苦."
我聽伊講,
koh 充滿欽服看伊. 我想著這个姑娘, 伊 ê 跤我
bat siàu 想欲唚, 竟然願意 án-ne 解 phòa 伊 ê 思想予我聽, koh 接納我入伊 ê 生活,
án-ne 我猶閣無滿足伊予我 ê, 今我家己問, 人 ê 慾望敢有限度, 像我
án-ne 緊緊滿足了, 隨 tō 想欲閣較濟.
"這是真
ê," 伊 koh 講,
"像阮這款靠運命 ê 人, 攏有怪奇 ê 願望
kap 奇妙 ê 愛情. 阮為著這, 為著彼來獻身. 有查埔人為阮來敗家, 啥攏無得著;
mā 有人送一束花 tō 會當得著阮. 阮 ê 心講變 tō
變; 這 tō 是阮 ê 消遣,
mā 是阮 ê 借口. 我緊緊 tō 獻身予你, 比予別人攏較緊, 這我會使咒誓; 你敢知是按怎
án-ne? 因為你看著我咯血, 你來牽我 ê 手; 因為你流目屎; 因為干焦你一人來同情我. 我講一个痟話予你聽: 以前我有一隻狗仔, 看我 nā
嗽, 伊 tō 面憂憂; 伊是我唯一愛過 ê 生物. 伊死 ê 時, 我哭甲比阮老母死閣較傷心. 講真 ê,
阮老母死進前足足拍我十二年. Tō 是
án-ne, 我一下 tō 愛著你,
tō ná 像我愛我 ê 狗. 人 nā 知同情會得著啥,
in tō 較會有人愛, 阮 mā 較袂蹧躂 in
ê 錢.
"你 ê 批予我看破; 伊顯示你無了解人 ê 心肝; 你
án-ne 做予我 ê 傷害誠大. 彼當然是因為你 ê 怨妒, 毋過彼種怨妒不但好笑 mā
真粗魯. 未接著你 ê 批進前, 我本成 tō
心慒慒. 本來我 teh 期待十二點
kap 你相見, 做伙食晝, koh 因為見著你會當抹掉一直纏 tī
心 nih ê 操煩,
tī 捌你以前, 這種操煩我總是著忍受.
"今,"
Marguerite 閣再講, "干焦你, 我感覺會當 tī
你面前想啥講啥, 自由自在. 交陪像我這款查某 ê 人, 攏真愛計較查某所講 ê 話語, 真愛思考 in
無意 ê 動作內底有啥意義. 因為
án-ne, 阮煞無朋友. 阮有 ê 是自私 ê 情人, in 家己講是為著阮開家伙, 敗家, 毋過這攏是為著 in
家己 ê 虛花. 為 chiah-ê 人,
in nā 歡喜, 阮 mā 著歡喜,
in 欲食宵夜, 阮 mā 著食,
in 猜疑, 阮 mā 著猜疑. 阮袂使有心肝, 免得
hông 嚷, 免得破壞阮 ê 名聲.
--
15.2
"Well, my friend, you must either love me a little less or understand me a little better. Your letter gave me a great deal of pain. If I had been free, first of all I would not have seen the count the day before yesterday, or, if I had, I should have come and asked your forgiveness as you ask me now, and in future I should have had no other lover but you. I fancied for a moment that I might give myself that happiness for six months; you would not have it; you insisted on knowing the means. Well, good heavens, the means were easy enough to guess! In employing them I was making a greater sacrifice for you than you imagine. I might have said to you, 'I want twenty thousand francs'; you were in love with me and you would have found them, at the risk of reproaching me for it later on. I preferred to owe you nothing; you did not understand the scruple, for such it was. Those of us who are like me, when we have any heart at all, we give a meaning and a development to words and things unknown to other women; I repeat, then, that on the part of Marguerite Gautier the means which she used to pay her debts without asking you for the money necessary for it, was a scruple by which you ought to profit, without saying anything. If you had only met me to-day, you would be too delighted with what I promised you, and you would not question me as to what I did the day before yesterday. We are sometimes obliged to buy the satisfaction of our souls at the expense of our bodies, and we suffer still more, when, afterward, that satisfaction is denied us."
I listened, and I gazed at Marguerite with admiration. When I thought that this marvellous creature, whose feet I had once longed to kiss, was willing to let me take my place in her thoughts, my part in her life, and that I was not yet content with what she gave me, I asked if man's desire has indeed limits when, satisfied as promptly as mine had been, it reached after something further.
"Truly," she continued, "we poor creatures of chance have fantastic desires and inconceivable loves. We give ourselves now for one thing, now for another. There are men who ruin themselves without obtaining the least thing from us; there are others who obtain us for a bouquet of flowers. Our hearts have their caprices; it is their one distraction and their one excuse. I gave myself to you sooner than I ever did to any man, I swear to you; and do you know why? Because when you saw me spitting blood you took my hand; because you wept; because you are the only human being who has ever pitied me. I am going to say a mad thing to you: I once had a little dog who looked at me with a sad look when I coughed; that is the only creature I ever loved. When he died I cried more than when my mother died. It is true that for twelve years of her life she used to beat me. Well, I loved you all at once, as much as my dog. If men knew what they can have for a tear, they would be better loved and we should be less ruinous to them.
"Your letter undeceived me; it showed me that you lacked the intelligence of the heart; it did you more harm with me than anything you could possibly have done. It was jealousy certainly, but ironical and impertinent jealousy. I was already feeling sad when I received your letter. I was looking forward to seeing you at twelve, to having lunch with you, and wiping out, by seeing you, a thought which was with me incessantly, and which, before I knew you, I had no difficulty in tolerating.
"Then," continued Marguerite, "you were the only person before whom it seemed to me, from the first, that I could think and speak freely. All those who come about women like me have an interest in calculating their slightest words, in thinking of the consequences of their most insignificant actions. Naturally we have no friends. We have selfish lovers who spend their fortunes, riot on us, as they say, but on their own vanity. For these people we have to be merry when they are merry, well when they want to sup, sceptics like themselves. We are not allowed to have hearts, under penalty of being hooted down and of ruining our credit.
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